The Most Unlikely Match
by thecircularsky
Summary: A romance between Severus Snape and Lily Evans, starting around 5th year in potions class. AU, not HBP or DH compliant. Based on "Deep Rivalry" by femalepadfoot.
1. In the Beginning

**Author's Note: The first six chapters of this work are written by femalepadfoot in the story "Deep Rivalry" but edited and tweaked by me, and the rest of the story is completely my own. All other recognizable content belongs to J.K. Rowling. I began writing this when I was twelve years old, and now that I am seventeen it is terribly embarrassing to have produced something as low-quality as this. I recently abandoned it for a number of years, but I am working on the very last chapter to end the story so the reader can have some closure. I'm afraid that because this fic spans a number of years and stages in my development, the writing style is kind of disjointed and there is no apparent plot or aim. Constructive criticism is kind of pointless now, but I still appreciate reviews. Thanks for reading.**

Lily Evans crossed her legs under the table. She was sitting next to her new potions partner, Severus Snape. As much as she wanted to see the good in him, every time she started a conversation he called her a mudblood or an equally sour name. In spite of this, when Professor Slughorn had announced the new seating arrangement, Lily had been delighted to not have to sit in front of James Potter anymore. He was always throwing paper balls at her.

Dipping her quill in her ink well, Lily began to scratch down the instructions from the board before getting to work on their first potion together: Love Potion. Taking a quick glance at the boy sitting beside her, she realized that he was more of a man. He'd grown quite a bit over the summer and seemed much more mature. But it wasn't as though Snape had ever been immature.

Severus slumped in his chair next to Lily, his sallow face twisted into a sour scowl as if it were stuck that way. Two dark eyes narrowed as he stared at the cauldron through a curtain of greasy black hair. He couldn't stomach the sight of her, the stench of her dirty blood made his skin crawl. He realized that things could have been worse. He could have been paired with Potter or any of his equally arrogant friends, Black, Lupin, or Pettigrew. Sighing, he looked up at the instructions on the board, not bothering to write them down. His quill twirled idly between his long, lanky fingers.

As Lily finished her notes, she saw Professor Slughorn heading in their direction. As he reached their desk, he whispered, "I know you're wondering why I paired you two together. Partners are chosen by marks and you two have the best grades in the class. I expect great things coming from this partnership. Now make me the most potent Love Potion there is." Then he got up and walked over to his desk to start grading papers.

Lily grimaced. This was going to be a long year.

"So... I'll go get the ingredients," she said as she smiled slightly, trying to show him a bit of respect, though she knew it was pointless. He would just call her mudblood again. Eager to get away before he had the chance to, she dashed over to get the ingredients. Meanwhile, Potter was watching her. He strolled over to their desk innocently and pulled out his wand.

"You touch her and, so help me Merlin, I will curse you into oblivion, Snivellus," he whispered delicately. Snape snorted. Apart from Potter, he was enjoying himself. He couldn't help but be glad for a moment's fresh air from being in such close quarters with a filthy mudblood. He looked at the wand in Potters short, tan fingers and smirked.

Turning around with ingredients in hand, Lily saw James harassing Severus. She sighed and was just about to go over and tell James to go away when Slughorn did it for her.

"Potter, get back in your seat," the potions master said, not looking up from his papers. James kept his feet planted firmly on the ground and gave Snape a very heated look. Snape's lip curled and rage flashed in his eyes. "Better listen to the teacher, Potter."

James still didn't budge and instead stared directly into Snape's black, cold eyes. Lily set the ingredients on the desk and glared at James. Potter immediately took his eyes off Snape and looked at Lily as she said, "You heard what Slughorn said, Potter. Go back to your seat!" Reluctantly, James meandered back to his desk and sat down next to Sirius.

"I'm sorry about that," Lily said, "It's so unfair that Potter is such a..." She looked at Snape, who, in turn, was scowling at her. Not finishing her sentence, Lily sat down angrily. Why did Potter even think that telling Snape to keep his hands off her was necessary at all? Snape would never touch her. He would flinch every time she exhaled in his direction! There was no way that he would dare touch a dirty, polluted mudblood like her. But there was one thing that they had in common.

They both hated James Potter.

Severus was filled with rage. He didn't nee that mudblood interceding for him. He sat up in his chair, ignoring her apology like the buzz of a fly. "Lets just get this over with," he muttered as he placed his cauldron on then fire.

Lily nodded and opened up the package of crawdad dust and, treating it like a baby, gently poured it into the boiling water. She then lowered the flame as instructed. Her every movement was precise and well measured, each step thrice checked before put into action. Pulling her long, crimson hair into a bun, Lily could feel someone watching her. Slowly turning around, she saw James staring at her dreamily. She wished she could hex him. Sirius elbowed him and whispered something quickly. James sat up and gave Lily a grin before pretending to go back to work.

"I wish he'd just leave me alone," she said aloud, more to herself than to Snape. He, of course, pretended like she didn't exist while he stirred, changing the direction after each step, not as the book said to, but as he knew to. He rolled his eyes in disgust at James and Lily. It was beyond repulsive to be in either of their prescences too long. He smirked to himself as he watched the two of them, James and Sirius, "pretending to work". They were preparing themselves for low marks on their O.W.L.s, though they would make excellent barkeepers at the Hog's Head.

Lily beamed as the potion turned a vibrant lavender color. "This is amazing," she said as she began to chop some willow root, "Maybe Slughorn was right about us making a good team." Lily waited for the insult she knew was coming as she chopped thin, even slices of the root. Her fingers moved expertly on the plant, deftly chopping at a speed that nobody else could rival with. Severus grunted as he curled his lip in disgust. "Just be sure you don't get any... mud... on anything. He narrowed his eyes at the speed she was chopping. When he turned the potion in the opposite direction, despite what the book said, the potion began to take on a hot pink color. He glanced at Potter and Black's cauldron where he saw an acid green mess. He smirked.

Lily rolled her eyes and finished chopping. Setting the knife down, she read the instructions on how to put in the root and how much. Carefully measuring it, Lily put the diced willow root in, one piece with each stir of the ladle. It was very time consuming, but it soon turned the pale pink shade as instructed. "Do you want to switch jobs? I bet you're getting tired of that." She pointed at his bony hand, which was stirring the potion. Although she didn't really care if his arms were tired at all, she wanted to be the bigger person.

"Why? We're almost done. Don't tell me that your sludge-filled arms can't stand adding two measly ingredients more?" He sneered, giving her a look of disgust, his lip curled so far that it pushed his hooknose so close to his dark eyes that it looked like it was going to break.

"Do you have to be a complete prat about everything?" Lily fumed. "Ever thought that this might be easier if you were civil to me, not nice but civil? But no, I was worried about your arms falling off, but apparently, to you it doesn't matter!" She began chopping furiously, her elegant face twisted from anger. As much as she hated to admit it, she could only be patient for so long. Not as carefully as she would have normally, she poured the chopped dragon heart into the potion. Her wrist moved in a circular motion and she was very careful not to get any on Snape, or touch him because, Merlin forbid, she could get some of her dreaded mudblood disease on him.

"Believe me, this is civility," he said sneerily as he stirred in his own unique way. He found himself laughing at her renewed ire. She was so easy to vex! It was highly entertaining. She was just too nice for her own good and she wouldn't hex or curse him. She apparently despised the dark arts that he so lovingly embraced and Potter was such a dunce that he couldn't come up with any good spells and he would use Snape's own spells all the time, especially on Snape. The thought of Potter made Severus's stomach bubble in rage. He quickly focused his attention on the almost-ready concoction. It was becoming the final product and, with a few more stirs, it would be complete.

Lily put away the ingredients, her bright green eyes shimmering with anger. It wasn't the fact that Snape had insulted her that had made her angry. He insulted her all the time. It was that she had let it get to her that made her so mad. She was usually very emotionally stable and, for some reason, Snape seemed to affect her more than any other person. As she packed up her bag, she saw Snape leaving. He glanced at Potter and Black and smirked. They were cleaning up an orangey-yellow, lumpy, thin mixture. His dark, tunnel eyes flashed with an evil glee, knowing that they were getting low marks. Shaking his head at them, he knew that they had obviously forgotten to turn down the heat after adding the blue-jay feathers and they most likely just dumped their snail shells in instead of adding them one by one. The lumpiness was probably due to the big dragon heart chunks that they should have chopped to minces. His mind went to the mudblood and her exceptional speed. He had to admit that there was an upside to working with her.

As he left he heard Slughorn whispering to the class dunces, "I think you two should be in remedial potions. Snape snickered at the thought of Black and Potter suffering in remedial potions. Even Lily couldn't fight back a very Severus grin. Slughorn passed to the next group, who managed a meager acceptable with their shiny peach-like blend. Although Snape was leaving, he couldn't help but round back and whisper to Potter, "Low marks again? Has all that Quidditch air blown all of your wits out your ears?"

James leaned forwards and shrugged. "At least I can get on a broom, Snivellus. Quidditch may be my life, but at least I have one. Oh, I forgot, you do have a life, a very pathetic one, as all you do is potions. You probably have no idea what a date is." He and Sirius snickered. Lily, on the other hand, shook her head at them. "You are so immature," she said fiercely. James stared at her, his mouth an open hole in his face.

"Hey, Evans," he said accusingly, "Why is it that when Snape here says something rude, it's okay, but when I do, it's wrong? You're always standing up for him and you know he hates your guts!"

Lily thought for a minute. "First of all, Potter, that wasn't standing up for him. It was directed at him as well. Secondly, most of the time he's minding his own business when you attack him, not to mention you have all of your friends to help. Now, call me stupid, Potter, but that's hardly fair!" With that, Lily turned around and stormed off, just as the bell rang. James stood there dumbfounded and slightly hurt.

"Lily, wait!" he yelled, while quickly gathering his things, looking extremely stupid.

"Pathetic, Potter," Snape jeered, "my life may be potions, but yours is chasing after worthless little mudbloods." And with that, Snape left.


	2. Awkward Questions

Lily didn't stop. Her legs were carrying her as fast as they could. Her long red hair was falling out of the messily made bun it had been in. People tripped over each other to get out of her way, knowing that Lily Evans would knock them over if they didn't. Her mind was elsewhere. Potter was such a jerk, and he expected her to stop and talk to him? He was totally beneath her. The only way he would have a chance is if he grew up a little bit.

James collided with Severus as he rushed out. Snape spun around, taking out his wand. He pointed it at James, locking his legs so he fell over. He then left the classroom, stepping on Potter's hand. James let out a very girly squeal of pain and yelled, "Bloody Hell! I'll get you Snape!"

Sirius chuckled and waved his wand at his friend. "Lost your balance, mate?"

"He won't get away with this," James said as he dusted himself off. "I wish Lily would stop defending that slimy, evil git. I don't understand why she doesn't like me."

"Hmm." Sirius stroked his chin as if in thought. "Maybe you should stop bugging her. I mean, she's not worth all of this. She hates you and I doubt that she'll stop."

James nodded silently, knowing that what his friend said was right. But it seemed that the more he tried not to think of her, the more he thought of her and she kept coming back, like a boomerang.

Snape made his was to his next class with a malicious smirk on his face. Nothing felt better than making Potter feel like crap. He entered the defense against the dark arts classroom and slipped into his seat, which was in the far back. Setting his wand on the desk, he opened his book, began reading, and sighed in happiness.

Lily went to charms, feeling extremely upset; she knew it would get worse when Potter came. After a few minutes, he strutted confidently into the classroom, looking for Lily. She had already found someone else to sit with–he was willing to bet that it was because she didn't want to sit with him–but there was a seat behind her. James sat down.

"Why didn't you wait for me?" he asked a little too quickly. She glared at him. He backtracked a little bit. "Why do you even waste your time defending that evil, twisted prat? It isn't my fault that he doesn't have friends to back him up!"

Furiously, Lily, who had been slumped over, sat up strait and glared right into his eyes. "Then maybe you shouldn't attack him with your friends, Potter."

James's mouth gaped wide open. He was fuming. Lily went back to her slumped position. The girl sitting right next to her, a blond chaser for Hufflepuff, batted her eyelashes and said in a fluffy, dreamy voice, "Hey James."

He couldn't resist flirting a little bit. What Evans really needed was to see what she was missing. "Hey Allie, how are things?" he asked, looking at Lily through the corner of his eye. "How's Quidditch?

"Ooh, good." She batted her eyelashes again. "Were doing really great," she giggled. "Nothing compared to you, of course, James." His name rolled of her tongue in a tempting, enticing sort of way. He raised his eyebrows and looked at Lily. She rolled her eyes and he could barely hear the dark, dismal sigh that dropped from her lips like an anchor.

Sirius took out a bit of spare parchment and scribbled something onto it, then passed it to James.

_How can Lily stand up for someone like Snivellus? What am I missing?_

_You've got me, Padfoot. I'm totally lost. I treat her like gold and she spits at me. He treats her like crap and she worships him. I think we're both missing something._

_Maybe they have a little... something... going on that they're not showing?_

_Surely Snape would be nicer to her, though, don't you think?_

_Maybe she doesn't care. Or maybe she doesn't want him to be nice._

_Is it even possible for that sour grease ball to treat anyone well?_

_I suppose if he were getting her into bed, he'd be a little bit nicer. She might decide she doesn't want to anymore, if you know what I mean._

_Bugger, Sirius, I don't even want to think about that..._

James then swished his wand in and upward movement, pretending like he had been working the whole time. His eyes found Lily and a pang came to his stomach. Why did he like her so much? She clearly made it known to him that she didn't like him. He felt sick at the thought of her defending Snivellus all the time. He saw that Sirius had passed him back the note.

_I don't think they have anything going on. __I'll be able to tell when there is. __Don't worry._

_Whatever you say, Padfoot._

Severus sat in boredom as the teacher droned on about unforgivable curses. As he daydreamed about using the cruciatus curse on Potter, he smiled, something that one didn't see him do often. Remus Lupin ripped Snape and his thoughts asunder as he cleared his throat. He nodded at Snape.

"Could you hand me my quill? I dropped it under your seat." Remus was more bearable than the others. He wasn't rude or means, but he wasn't nice either. Snape rolled his eyes and stretched in a circular motion, looking like a roly-poly, to retrieve the quill. He handed it to Lupin and went back to daydreaming.

"Snape, sorry to bother you again, but may I ask you a question? You don't hate me, do you? I mean... I'm not mean to you, but I'm a good friend with those who are."

Snape twiddled his quill, annoyed. "I guess I don't hate you."

Lupin smiled broadly. "Well, then why do you hate Lily? I know she's muggle-born, but she always stops James from attacking you and she's pretty and smart. Not only that, but you guys both have something in common." Snape gave him a quizzical look and Lupin continued.

"Hating James Potter."

Snape sighed. "What does it matter to you who I hate? I'm just a slimy git, remember?" Lupin looked at him. He hadn't answered his question. "So..." he started, but Snape cut him off.

"So I don't need nosy little mudbloods sticking up for me. I can handle Potter on my own." Severus adjusted himself in his seat and scribbled down something the Professor had lectured about. Something Lupin said struck him oddly. He and Lily did both hate Potter, and she always came to his rescue when Potter and Black teamed up against him. Why would she put herself at risk like that unless she... liked him? No way, he told himself. That was just too weird.

Remus watched him earnestly. He knew that he had started something that was working its way through Snape's head. Remus himself was wondering whether Lily liked Snape. It would make perfect sense. Lily had always liked to stand up for the underdog, maybe this time she had fallen for him instead. Lily was just too nice sometimes.  
Snape sat there, lost in his own thoughts, when he realized that he had no idea what they were working on in class. Students all over class were waving their wands around, practicing something nonverbal. He flipped through the book, trying to find what it was that they were working on.

"It's the shield spell on page one-ninety-three," Lupin whispered and nodded to his book before retrying the spell he'd already done successfully three times. He was good at defense against the dark arts. Not as good as Snape, but still good.

Snape slammed his book shut. He had mastered that spell months ago. He took out his wand and preformed the spell with no difficulty. Remus smiled.

"I can see that you've been thinking about what I said. I don't actually know anything more than you do, and I can't speak for Lily, but I think she may like you. Your not that bad and you're intelligent. She likes that in guys. Well, anyways –" The bell rang. "Have a nice day, Severus."

Snape looked at Lupin with incredulity and kept thinking that, if he continued to talk about him and the mudblood that way, he would hex him. Remus had the audacity to say that he had qualities that would interest her. As if he cared. Lupin left and Snape couldn't be gladder to get rid of the pest. Deciding to take a shortcut, Severus went outside. His greasy hair waving in the wind, Snape slowly made his way to the Great Hall for lunch.

Meanwhile, Lily was making her way from the charms classroom to the Great Hall, looking at her feet and trying to make sense in her mind. She stepped in front of Snape, missing him by inches, yet not even realizing that he was there. As she continued, her flaming red hair flipped up and down her back.

Snape snarled when Lily stepped in front of him. To be so close to a mudblood... Slytherin would be rolling in his grave. He sped ahead, nauseated by the sight of her hair swishing back and forth rhythmically. He turned sharply into the Great Hall.

Lily saw him speed around her and shrugged. She rummaged through her bag and found the book that she was currently reading. As she got into the Great Hall, she sat down, opened the book, and began reading while eating very slowly. Snape saw her from across the room. She was, of course, reading, and it was most likely nothing of interest. Now, if she were reading a book about the dark arts, then maybe he would consider Lupin's words.

Lily felt someone watching her and glanced upward, above the pages of her book. She saw Severus looking at her. Giving him a curt nod, she went back to reading. He was probably just thinking about how disgusting she was. A flood of depression washed over her. Why did he affect her so much? Flipping the page, she began to forget about Snape. Remus came over to her and sat down in the seat beside her.

"Hello, Lily."

"Hi Remus," she said with a smile on her face, "What's up?"

"I talked to Snape about you today." Lupin was grinning at her. "His reaction was... most interesting."

Lily raised an eyebrow. What was Remus talking about? Why was he smiling? Remus explained what he had said. Lily became very red.

"Why did you do that? You're friends with James! You're supposed to want me and James to be together, not Snape and I." She shook her head. "I assume he was completely disgusted with the thought of it."

"Actually, he wasn't. He was kind of surprised. Maybe he was thinking that it was disgusting in his head, but he was smiling. I've never seen him smile before." Remus thought for a second. "Do you think that, perhaps, you do like him?"

Lily's face was contorted with surprise. "No! I could never like him!"

"Then why do you stand up for him like that?"

Lily's cheeks flushed crimson. "Now you sound like Sirius and James."

There was an awkward silence. Remus broke it. "You didn't answer my question."

"It's just not right that Potter picks on him so much. And I do NOT like him! Are you happy?"

Not particularly. I think you're lying."

Lily looked at him as though green Jell-O was coming out of his nose. "Remus!" she said as though if she were scolding an unruly child. He grinned at her as she continued. "I think that I would know if I liked Snape or not. It's my feelings we're talking about here."

Remus chuckled. "Maybe you're trying to deny it."

Shocked, Lily exclaimed, "What are you taking about?"

The more Severus tried to ignore it, the more it pestered him. He slumped in his seat at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall, poking his meat lazily with his fork. He couldn't help but ponder her reasoning behind her bizarre actions. If she didn't like him, then why was it that she stood up for him even when he treated her like filth? Why did she defend him against Potter all the time, even when he had been exposed in public while everyone laughed? Snape felt his stomach churn. It still made him feel humiliated. Even Evans had seen everything, which made him feel worse. Snape, though still feeling queasy, scolded himself. He couldn't think about her in that way. She was a mudblood. He scowled, more at himself than her, and stormed out of the Great Hall.

Remus raised an eyebrow as he saw that Lily was glancing out of the corner of her eye at Snape stomping away. "You could have subconscious feelings for him," he remarked deviously.

Angrily, Lily shoved her book back into her bag. "I need to go now, Remus. Good bye."

"Bye, Lily."


	3. In The Rain

She sped out, again not noticing Severus, who was merely a few steps ahead of her. Thinking about what Lupin said, she quickened her speed.

SMACK!

Lily had walked straight into his back. Both of them were sent sprawling to the ground, their books a mess all around them. Severus groaned as he painfully fell to the hard ground, face first. He turned around to see who had disrupted his emotionally driven stroll. A head of long red hair hid the face of the girl, but he knew who she was. His eyes narrowed at the sight of Lily.

"Watch where you're going, mudblood!" he spat at her, being as cruel as he could, partly because he wanted to test her. She looked at him sadly.

"I'm sorry," she replied quietly. She wondered how much worse this day could get.

Angered by her kind response, he was about to storm off when he saw a book that caught his eye. Casually, he picked it up and looked at it. His dark, empty eyes flashed mysteriously from the book to Lily. She held her hand out, reaching for it. He held onto it. It was a library book.

"Is it any good?" he asked in an abnormally casual voice, especially for when he was talking to Lily.

"Yeah. It's a biography over an older man who used to be an auror. He specializes in the dark arts. You could borrow it if you don't think that the stench of a mudblood isn't too strong." Reaching a bit further, she took the book gently from his hand. He let her. Shoving her books back into her bag, she downcastedly said, "Sorry that I ran into you. Next time I'll watch where I'm going." Her eyes were full of sorrow.

"Lupin was talking to you about me, wasn't he?" said Snape randomly.

Lily nodded. "Yes. Peculiar conversation." She didn't look at him, afraid that what Remus said was actually true. Snape noticed that her eyes were locked on the floor.

"Don't worry, mudblood. I wouldn't waste my time on you," he said. It was a very Snapish way of saying "I don't like you either."

"Well, I hope that you're happy with your nothing of a life." Her words sliced through him like a knife. Lily could be as mean, if not more, than Snape, when she wanted. Crossing her arms, she went up the stairs to the library and took a seat, wishing there was a better way to spend her free period than sulking in the library.

Snape turned to watch Lily go. He had to admit he was impressed. Although she may not generally insult people, her words could be extremely caustic and they most certainly could hurt. He was debating in his mind whether or not he should go to the library and talk to her some more. He looked down and saw that she had left a quill, and then he seized it and ran after her.

Lily was sitting in the library, acting as though she was engrossed in her book, when she was really deeply wading throughout her thoughts. She was so frustrated that she was on the verge of beating her head on the table. How did he affect her so much? Everything he said hurt and she hated that it did. Remus's words haunted her. Did she subconsciously have feelings for Snape? The thought was so painfully strange. This was Snape that she was thinking about! Snape! She could not have feelings for him!

Snape slithered around the bookcases like a shadow, his dark eyes marking her like a predator. He certainly had a way of coming off as creepy. He moved with the grace of a spider, his eyes cold, dark, and empty.

Quietly, almost silently, he murmured, "You dropped this." She looked up at him through her shiny, bright eyes. Her voice was quieter than his.

"Thank you." She avoided his eyes and held her hand out for it. She couldn't stand being this close to him. It wasn't that she hated him. Deep down, it was quite the opposite. She took the quill from his hand, but Snape stood there all the same.

"Why do you stick up for me, anyway?" he asked out of the blue, still staring at her with curiosity. He ran his hand over the cluster of books that sat dustily on the bookshelf next to him.

"I don't know, Snape. If I knew why, I'd be a lot less stumped myself." She wanted to never have to look at him again, to just keep her eyes glued on the table, but she was as brave as Gryffindor himself. She looked up into his eyes. "I'm just as confused as you are," she said, "I guess I don't think it's right."

Snape blinked. "Why do you care how Potter treats me? I treat you like crap!"

"I... I don't know. If I knew, it would answer my questions as well as yours," she said, her questions becoming more and more uncomfortable. Why did she always stand up for him? It made no sense. But then, a startling realization spread over her. It made perfect sense.

She liked him

_She liked him._

Snape stood there, looking at her, wishing he could read minds. "Pathetic," he hissed at her, "Smart as you seemed, Evans..." His voice trailed off and he turned his back on her. Shaking his head, he walked out of the library.Lily watched him; her face didn't disguise the sadness she felt.

He, however, showed no emotion. Heading to the lake, thoughts swam throughout his mind. He needed to concentrate on something and he had the perfect thing. He sat down and began to scribble something in the margin of his Advanced Potions textbook. What he was scribbling was a new spell­, one that he knew the counter-curse to and one that Potter couldn't steal for himself. Flicking his wrist, he worked on various wrist movements, deciding which were the best. He narrowed it down to three.

Lily, meanwhile, was heading out of the library. It was just too painful to be all alone with her new and extraordinary thoughts. She needed to be distracted. She needed noise. Rounding the hall, she decided that her best bet would be the lake.

After a good five minutes, she found herself outside, the wind blowing in her hair, first-years laughing, and the giant squid being especially playful. Lily sighed in happiness. This was perfect. She looked around at the various students lounging around when her eye caught a dark figure. Snape. Sighing, though this time in frustration, she sat down and watched him. She saw him moving his wand about, each time in a different direction. She smiled, feeling secure knowing that his deep, mysterious eyes weren't piercing her, as they always seemed to do. She enjoyed being able to watch him without worrying about what he was thinking or what he would call her next. Wondering what he was up to, she wished that she could go talk to him, but knew that she would be told to go away.

Snape closed the potions book and scowled at the kids playing around the Lake. Their glee annoyed him; their laughter was abhorrent. He turned around and saw Lily staring at him. Instead of looking away, he stared back, his dark eyes meeting her light ones. Did she follow him there intentionally? How long had she been staring at him? As he intensified his gaze, he wondered how long it would take her to look away.

Lily felt a blush rise to her cheeks, but met his stare, giving him and equally intense one. Part of her wanted to run away and hide her face in a book like a safe little coward. But the rest of her wanted to stare at him forever, into eternity. At least then she wouldn't be alone to wonder about her feelings for him.

Shocked and impressed that she didn't look away, he smirked. Their thoughts were intensified, mainly because they were looking at each other. Chewing her lip, Lily wondered how much longer this would go on. She wouldn't break the gaze until he did. Snape stood up and started to walk towards her, not breaking the gaze they shared.

"What are you doing here?" he spat his usual tone, "Don't you have anything better to do than follow me around?" The tension was greater now that they were closer to each other.

"I didn't follow you. If I'd followed you, I would have been out here a lot earlier. I had no idea you were here," Lily spoke to him in a calm voice. She blinked, wondering if it was really necessary for him to use that tone with her. Then she remembered to whom she was talking and didn't question it.

"You didn't answer my first question," he said insipidly, ignoring the flicker of offense flashing in her eyes. That was definitely the mark of an undisciplined mind. He was in the process of teaching himself occlumency.

"Is it against the law to have a seat beside the lake? I don't have to explain myself to you!" Her emerald eyes sparkled with something he couldn't read. Perhaps she was a little more controlled with than he thought. Snape's eyes narrowed.

"As if you have the capability of knowing the reasoning behind any of your actions. Clearly all that muggle blood is making a muddy mess in your brain."

Lily shook her head furiously. "Well, _Snivellus_, if you were a bit smarter, then maybe you might see why I do what I do." She got up and threw her bag over her shoulder. "And this time, you don't have a quill as an excuse to follow me." She spun around and stormed to the castle, her long red hair flying behind her.

She had left Snape wincing at the name "Snivellus". He was hurt that she would call him that. Wrinkling his nose, he ran after her.

"What are you getting at, saying I'm not smart?" he raged, his dark eyes glowering at her through his greasy black hair. "Your the one who does things without knowing why!" He had an idea of why she treated him the way she did, but he needed to hear her say it.

"Why should I tell you anything if you're just going to criticize and mock me for it?" she yelled in anger, tears forming in her eyes. She wasn't crying out of sorrow, but out of pure rage and fury.

"For the same reason you defend me when you obviously see me the same way everyone else does," he said austerely. He noticed her tears and looked away, embarrassed.

"I do not!" she yelled, humiliated.

There was a pause, silent except for Lily's quiet sobs. Snape shook his head at her.

"Lupin was right, wasn't he?" he said gently. They both stood there, looking at each other. A large drop of rain hit his face. He looked up. It was getting darker and more rain was coming, but he didn't move. Immense, crystal-clear drops fell on both of them, the grass they were standing on, and into the lake itself. Soon, there was a soft pitter-patter of rain, which mixed with the salty tears pouring down Lily's face.

She nodded.

Severus stood there in the rain, his face totally unreadable. "I thought so," he said, "Why else would you go all red in the face whenever I talked to you without them around? You've always refused to call me Snivellus, except for just then, when you wanted to hurt me just as much as I had hurt you." His dark eyes bored into hers. The rain mixing with his greasy black hair gave him the look of a drowning person. "And why else would you practically blow an emotional gasket just because I asked you a simple question?"

Lily stared back into his eyes, her tears mixing with the rain that slid down her cheeks. Her clothes were heavy and uncomfortable, but she didn't care. She reached up and moved some of his black, wet hair back from his face. Quickly, she realized what she'd done and took her hand away, her face hardening from the exceptionally soft look she had just given him. She was trying to be her normal self.

Severus watched as Lily's hand moved his hair away from his face. His eyes followed as she hastily took her hand away. He smirked.

"We should head back inside," he said, turning around and heading back to the castle. He felt his stomach lurch and his heart accelerate its pace. His hands were trembling from causes other than the chilly rain.

Lily followed him at a distance. She felt a shiver down her spine. Before, she had been oblivious to the fact that she was cold. Now, she could sense the arctic-feeling wind blowing into her face. Trying to protect herself from the freezing rain, she crossed her arms, wondering what would happen next. He hadn't reacted to her touch in the way she had expected. Maybe this wouldn't be as bad as she thought.

Maybe Lily didn't have to be ashamed...

A horde of students came running from the lake, hoping to get inside before they were totally drenched. They were dashing by at alarming speed, pushing Severus every which way until one girl shoved him into a puddle of mud. They had no respect for him.

"Oh, it's just Snivellus," one girl said to another. "Maybe being out here in the rain could do him some good." The two girls, whom both Lily and Snape recognized as Gryffindors that hung around Sirius all the time, scampered away.

Snape felt stupid, sitting there in the mud. He heard Lily approaching and, in a desperate attempt to compose himself, tried to get up but slipped and fell back down. The rain poured down on him harder than ever as he felt Lily's eyes on his back.

Lily stared at him and then gave the girls a dirty look. She paced over to Snape and held out her hand, an offering of peace.

"Don't mind them, Severus. They just have their head up Black's bum."

Snape gazed at her. She really didn't like those girls and they didn't like her either. This was probably because Lily kept turning down Sirius's best friend, James Potter. Severus looked up at Lily, his hair obstructing his vision. He then grasped onto her soft, warm hand and pulled himself up.

"Thanks," he murmured, and they looked at each other for a second. Then they seemed to realize that they were still holding hands. His fingers, cold and bony, quavered within hers and he took his hand from hers, hating himself.

They then proceeded to walk back to the castle, the storm clearing up and the sun beginning to shine.


	4. Conflicting Feelings

As they stepped into the entrance hall, Severus noticed that Lily was shivering. They were both sopping wet. He took out his wand and tapped her on the head, making her instantly dry. Tapping himself on the head, his coldness faded away. He was still shivering.

"Thanks," she said softly, hugging her cloak to her still-cold body. They stood there awkwardly.

"I should head back to my common room," Snape finally said. He looked at Lily and gave her a smirky smile. "Later, Evans," he finished, then turned around and walked in the direction of the dungeons.

Lily bit her lip as he walked away. She wanted to call him back, to tell him everything, but she couldn't. Slowly, she climbed a flight of stairs. She was working through her mind what would happen next. Would they just pretend that she hadn't admitted the way she felt? Snape was totally unpredictable, so Lily could make no predictions. Abruptly, she stopped.

"Hey..." she said to herself. "He just called me Evans..."

Snape turned into the dungeons and stated the password, his gaze focused upon the floor. Thoughts were swarming in his head like an abundance of angry bees. It took guts to admit that to him. No wonder she was in Gryffindor.

When he came to the common room, he plopped down on a couch and took out his potions book, hoping to finish his spell. As he heard a noise, he looked up. Descending down the girl's dormitory staircase was Adrienne Cutler, her black robes flowing behind her. She had long wavy blond hair and dark blue eyes. Walking over to Snape, she greeted him. "Hi, Severus."

"Hey, Adrienne," he muttered back. She frowned, wishing he would pay more attention to her. Like Lily, she had a crush on Snape. Abruptly, he slammed his book shut and glowered at the cackling fire in front of him.

"Where were you today? I didn't see you at all," she squeaked uncertainly. Her voice was high-pitched and forced through her nasal passages.

Snape sucked in his cheeks as he resisted and resisted the urge to stun her silent. All of the sudden, he felt a rage against her because he knew that she liked him. A thought had occurred to him: before, he had been able to tolerate her. She was one of the few people who were polite to him, who didn't laugh at him behind his back, who didn't pull out their wand, ready to hex him when he walked into a room. But now that Lily had confessed that she had feelings for him, he felt very annoyed at Adrienne's presence. He actually wanted her to go away. What did that mean? Did he have feelings for Lily, like she had for him? Finally, he answered Adrienne's question.

"I went to the lake. I needed some fresh air."

"Oh," she said in a discomfited tone, "Well, I was wondering, um, you know how

this coming weekend is Hogsmead weekend?"  
Snape nodded, dreading what she was about to ask.

"Well... I was thinking... maybe you'd like to come with me?" she asked lightly,

wondering how he would respond.

Severus thought crucially, a deep wrinkle emerging in his forehead. He sighed.

"Well..." he said, squirming his way out of the situation. "We're in the same house, so we kind of do go together." He was testing her to see her response.

"Um, well, that isn't really what I meant. I kind of meant, you know, more than classmates. But if you have someone else you'd rather go with, that's fine..."

She was very nervous, Snape could tell. Her trepidation repulsed him and her shrill nasal voice made him want to vomit. He didn't want to confuse her by saying yes, in case it turned out that he really did feel something for Lily, but he didn't want to turn her down. After all, she had taken the courage to ask him, the little oddball that everyone hated, to Hogsmead. That took some serious guts. His mind turned back to Lily and how she had also been brave enough to admit she liked him. But Lily didn't have such an irritating intonation as Adrienne, and Adrienne didn't really make him feel like anything. To her he was indifferent. But Lily made his stomach churn and his face feel hot. Snape had made his decision, and it was a good thing, too, because Adrienne was getting anxious.

"Is that a yes or a no, Severus?" she asked. Before Snape said it, Adrienne knew the answer.

"No."

Snape then gathered up his things, climbed the staircase to the boy's dormitories, and flopped onto his bed, thinking about how weird it was to have to choose between two girls.

Meanwhile a redheaded Gryffindor was lying in her bed. The events of the past day were just too mysterious and incomplete. Scowling, she scolded herself for not studying and wasting time obsessing about... what? Snape? She grimaced. How did this happen? How could she like Snape, of all people? It was as if the devious little cupid chose the one person that society would reject her for fancying. If it had been someone else, anyone else, it would be perfectly fine. Then no one would make fun of her or take shots at her about it. But right now it was okay. No one knew. Maybe no one would ever know.

As she slammed her fist down on the bedside table, Lily gave a frustrated sigh. It was so wrong, so out of place! Why did it have to be Snape, of all people? Of all the boys at Hogwarts, it had to be Severus effing Snape. She sat up when the dinner bell tolled. A leaping in her heart matched it's ringing. It was ridiculous, she knew, but it didn't stop her heart from doing cartwheels. And why? Because the Slytherins would be there! And who is a Slytherin? She beat her head with her hands. He hated her. He did. He really, really did. But no matter how many times she told herself this, it didn't stop her heart from leaping.

Snape lay across the bed, his head hanging off of it and his hair touching the floor. He tried and tried to clear his mind, but had no avail. Each time he tried again, it became harder... and harder... and harder...

He was getting really dizzy, though he didn't realize it. His mind was swarming with thoughts that weren't welcome. He closed his eyes. How did he know that this wasn't one of Potter's many schemes? He twitched. No. Lily wouldn't do that. She would never team up with Potter.

He lifted his head and felt the blood flee from it. He suddenly realized how dizzy he was and balanced himself on the bed. How could he have let the mudblood rile him up like that? His stomach, through a loud, thunderous rumble, told him that he was hungry and his mind was quick to tell him that if he didn't forget about the events of the past day, it would be even harder to forget about her.

He left towards the Great Hall.

So did Lily, but by an unfortunate chance, Potter bumped into her.

"Hey, Evans," he said smoothly, messing up his hair. "What would you say to me walking you down to dinner?"

"I'd say no," she said curtly, but noticed his hurt stare. "Sorry, Potter. I need to make a pit stop at the library and it could take a good fifteen minutes. Bet you don't want to wait that long, eh? You must be really hungry after Quidditch practice."

"Yeah," he said dissapointedly. "Yeah. I guess you're right. Maybe next time, then."

She smiled and headed toward the library, taking her time so that Potter wouldn't doubt her word. After dawdling around in an empty corridor for a while, she left for the Great Hall.

Severus slithered his way through all the people and eventually came to the quickly filling Slytherin table. He looked at the Gryffindor table. Lily was not there, but the marauders were. Snape was surprised. He had been sure that Potter would have coaxed Lily into coming down with him. But if she wasn't at dinner, where was she? She was probably really hungry, after all the excitement that had gone on during the afternoon.

_Excitement,_ thought Severus. _As if you could call it that._


	5. The Cantankerous Carrots

Finally Lily made her way through the doors. She took a seat far away from the marauders and opened her book. As she scooped some food onto her plate, she hoped it wasn't too apparent that she wasn't reading. Her eyes moved slowly over the lines. Normally, she would have never gone to all this trouble, but she was deathly afraid she would look at him.

Not able to stand it anymore, Lily peeked over the pages. There he was, serving himself food. He seemed to be in a pretty sour mood. Glowering at his plate, he took in a spoonful of creamy mashed potatoes. Other people seemed to be enjoying the potatoes, but to Snape they tasted unpleasant. It seemed that nothing would taste good at all. He managed to down a few more bites before they started to come up again. Frantically, he seized his goblet of water and chugged. Lily smiled when she saw his Adams apple bouncing up and down.

She quickly looked down at her book. Her long red hair fell into her face and she reached up a hand to push it back. She was very nervous. When Snape had drained his goblet, he had managed to catch a glimpse of her looking over the pages. He was now staring at the familiar green eyes staring back at him, namely Lily's. He raised an eyebrow at her.

Lily, smiling slightly, felt her chest rise. Severus kept staring at her. He made no emotional response except when Adrienne, a few seats over, gave a very loud, shrill giggle. He winced and rolled his eyes. Casting a dangerous glance at Adrienne, he stabbed a carrot with his fork and looked at it oddly. Peering at Lily from behind the carrot, he noticed that it looked slightly overcooked. The ends of his lips were working their way upward.

Lily nearly exploded a few organs trying not to laugh at his wince. Adrienne was in her charms class and Lily felt she was extremely annoying. It appeared that Snape thought so too. Lily glanced down at her untouched food, then back at Snape.

He had shoved the carrot into his mouth and speared another with his fork. Swallowing, he looked at the second carrot, nearly making himself cross-eyed, and put his face into a look of disgust, as if he were telling Lily that they weren't anything worth eating. Then he smirked.

Lily chewed her lip as she watched him.

He picked up a chicken leg and took a mouthful. Relieved that it was appetizing, he raised his eyebrows at Lily in a friendly way, letting her know that it was good. She smiled back at him, took her first bite of food (mashed potatoes), and found that they were milky, smooth and, to say the least, quite delectable. Her eyes rolled back into her head. In a way, she was telling him to try the potatoes again. He set his chicken down and picked up his spoon. He lifted it up questioningly and Lily nodded. As he raised the spoonful of mashed potatoes to his mouth, he looked at Lily as if he were begging her not to make him eat them. She gave him an all-knowing glance and scolded him through her facial expression. He put on a face and took in the spoonful. To his surprise, they tasted wonderful. He looked back at Lily.

Stabbing a carrot onto her fork, she met that gaze and held up the carrot. She put it into her mouth. Then, making a heaving noise, Lily spit it back onto her plate.

Snape closed his eyes and shook his head. He looked up at Lily and smirked, though his smirk could almost be mistaken for a smile. He took a bite of chicken, cleaning the bone, which he set down on his plate.

Lily took a long drink of water. Crossing her legs, she looked down at her book. This was becoming too much for her. They were having a conversation without saying a word. It was totally body language, and it was just a little too weird. Looking up, she saw that Snape was trying to "say" something to her again. She sat up straight, giving him her full attention.

He cast a glance at the marauders, asking her why she wasn't sitting with them. She rolled her eyes in response. He should know that she wasn't a friend to them. Well, all except Remus, who, by chance, was looking at her. She knew what he was thinking. He was thinking about her and Snape.

Snape smirked in response, relieved that he didn't have to share Lily with the marauders. He wished that he could sit with her and have a real conversation. But alas, he was condemned to sit with the pureblood snobs in his own house. All of them thought he was pureblooded as well. They had no idea that he was a mangy half-blood himself and he would never tell them. He was already teased enough.

Lily gave him one last smile and headed out of the Great Hall. Snape watched her as she left. He wanted to follow her, but decided it was more prudent to wait a bit, as not to arouse suspicion. A few minutes later, a group of Slytherins, including Adrienne, got up to leave. He joined them, following close behind so that if Potter were to look up, it would appear that he was with them. He broke off right after they walked through the doors.

Snape looked around, hoping he might see which way she went. He barely saw a glimpse of red up the staircase. He rushed up, but made sure that it looked casual. It appeared that Lily had dropped her things again.

He walked through the hall, acting like he would pass Lily and go on. But right as he came to where she was, instead of passing by, he picked up a quill she had dropped and twirled it in his fingers. She tried not to smile. Reaching out her arm, she took the quill from his hand, briskly brushing it.

Snape was alarmed by her touch, but she was so warm... and soft...

He caught her eye and she gave him a "c'mon" look. They went into an empty corridor, and she walked into a vacant classroom and sat down on a desk. He followed her inside. It looked like the Ancient Runes classroom.

A beat of silence

"I tried to tell you not to eat the carrots," said Severus randomly. He looked around the classroom. It had a banner of runes all the way around it.

Lily laughed. "I was trying to make fun of you because you looked so funny trying to tell me not to." She wrinkled her nose. "I guess I should've taken your advice. They tasted like vomit."

Snape smirked. "Yeah. I guess you should've as vomit's supposed to come out of your mouth, not go in." It was odd to him, telling a joke. Before, no one would've even listened. Now, a beautiful girl was standing in front of him, laughing at his joke, not him. How very odd. Not only that, but he was enjoying her making fun of him. It was okay when Lily made fun of him because she did it playfully, rather than rallying up her friends, disarming him, and humiliating him in public. With Lily, it was different.

She swung her legs under the desk. "So," she said. "You followed me. That must mean you wanted to talk to me." She eyed him curiously.

"It's about what you said to me, er, well, didn't say but kind of did," he stammered.

"What are you trying to say?" asked Lily genuinely. She gave him a confused look and cocked her head to one side.

Snape turned to the wall and put his hands on his face, then dragged them down slowly. His forehead was on the wall now. She was going to make him say it. But what if she hadn't meant what she said in the rain? He dismissed the thought immediately. If she hadn't, what was all that body language conversation at dinner? He gave a long, dismal sigh. In his head, he could hear his father screaming at him to face her and tell her the truth, but he couldn't. He just couldn't.

He turned around and started to speak, his voice very shaky. "The rain. In the rain... You said, I mean nodded, well, you told me that you had feel... feelings for me." He was highly colored now, and highly abashed.

Lily looked into his eyes. "Yes. I did. And I do." She stopped swinging her legs and just stared into his eyes.

He stared back into hers and asked, " It wasn't a joke, right?" He needed to make sure it was real before he showed any emotional response, which he was close to doing.

Lily shook her head. "No. I'm not this good of an actress." She crossed her arms so she wouldn't wrap them around him, as she wanted to do so much. She knew that if she did he would get even more freaked out, and Lily didn't want that. He was already freaked out enough.

Relieved that Lily liking him was not just an act, Snape sighed softly. He rubbed the bridge of his hooked nose and began to pace, apparently deep in thought. Stopping and facing her, he held her gaze for a moment then shook his head.

"It would never work out, you know," he said, finally trying to see any way not to get involved with her, but at the same time testing her to see how far she was willing to go for him. He started pacing again.

Lily watched him pace back and forth, waiting for him to continue speaking. What he had already said was bad enough, but she wished he would clarify. After a couple of unvoiced moments, it was clear that she would have to talk before he spoke any more.

"Well," she continued matter-a-factly. "If this is about reputation, I don't care. But it would be harder to work out, though, since so many people dislike you. I'm not sure what we should do." She swallowed. "As much as I hate to say this, nobody has to know." She looked at him, her eyes holding a bit of pity. "I'd hate to think what Potter would do to you if he heard that you were going out with me."

Snape was struck wordless. How could she be worrying about him, when it would be her who would most be in trouble? Lily Evans, smart, pretty, outgoing girl, going out with the most unpopular boy in school? She would be shunned! She would be brought down to his level! She would be hated and rejected by society, but all she could think about was how he would be affected. A bit of being made fun of would be nothing compared to what her sufferings would be. She was putting him before herself. Snape stared at her in wonder.

He stopped pacing. "Are you suggesting that we wear a mask?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Mask?" asked Lily, surprised. "Well, all I was saying was that we wouldn't show any affection in public. I'm sorry, but you would make things more complicated." She laughed and slipped off the desk. Still, she was having a hard time not touching him.

"I don't mean to make things more complicated," he murmured, and started pacing again. "It's the only thing that would suit."

Lily nodded. He was thinking, and she didn't want to disturb him. Rubbing his chin, he looked up at her. "There's one problem. Not showing affection wouldn't be enough."

Lily raised a brow. "How so, Severus? Are you saying that we wouldn't get away with it or that we wouldn't be able to show affection?"

"What I'm saying," said Snape, more in his usual tone. "Is that you wouldn't be able to not show your emotions. You're just too nice, Evans! You could never resist being courteous to me in front of them, or anyone for that matter. Do you realize what would happen if people started to talk?"

Lily pursed her lips when she heard him use her surname.

"I've always been courteous to you, Severus, but I think the real problem is you being civil to me." She took a step closer to him. "Is it really how I'll act or how you will?"

When Lily stepped closer to him, Severus tensed up. His breath was shallow, almost as if he were hyperventilating. Eyes widening, he took a step back.

"If you are saying I cannot control my emotions, you are sorely mistaken," he said arrogantly, getting closer to his normal voice towards her. He kept his gaze on her so she would be more convinced of his control. No matter what the circumstances, he would keep complete jurisdiction over himself. But he hoped with all his might that she wouldn't step any closer.

"I think you're having more trouble than you're letting on," she said, taking a long step closer to him. They were only inches apart. His dark ebony eyes met her shiny emerald ones. A small smile made it's way across Lily's face. "Aren't you?"

"What do you mean?" he asked in a raspy voice. His quivering legs were planted to the spot and he could barely breathe.

"I can tell by the look on your face," she said. "You're losing it. I'm making you lose it and you're confused."

She reached up her hand and brushed his hair away from his face. But instead of taking it away as she did before, she let her hand rest on his face. He trembled. She was right; he was becoming intoxicated by her. Being so close to her, seeing her kind green eyes boring into his, smelling her scent, her hand on his face, his skin so hot, made him want to embrace her, the first person to truly appreciate him. He wanted to stay there with her into eternity, eternity, eternity...

"Is that so?" he asked, opening his eyes.

She laughed lightly. "Yes... Yes it is." It was taking all the strength she could muster to not kiss him. She couldn't kiss him just yet. First, she wanted to see how deep his feelings ran. "If it isn't true, Severus, then push me away."

He was suddenly aware of how alarmingly close they were, but he didn't have the heart to push her away. When in his life would something like this ever happen to him again? He was silently staring into her eyes, but he didn't push her away.

Lily chewed her lip. "Thought so..."

She stepped back and ran a hand through her own red hair absentmindedly. "So," she said, "Since you don't think you can control yourself in public, what do you propose we do?"

Severus gave a little gasp, as if he had been holding his breath. His head was flooding with the emotions he forbid himself to express and it hurt. He wanted more than anything to hold her hand, to feel the soft curl of her red hair, to touch her face, and to passionately kiss her but he didn't dare.

"I never said I couldn't control myself," he said in a defensive arrogant tone.

"No, but you showed that you couldn't by not pushing me away."

Feeling his legs turn to jelly, he pulled out a chair and sat down. He put his hands in his hair. "What does this mean?" he asked to nobody in particular. His voice was trembling with vulnerability. Lily raised an eyebrow.

"What does what mean?"

Snape shook his head, feeling surges of regret for letting his guard down. "I didn't mean anything," he told her, giving her one sorrowful glance before heading to the door.

"Fine then. I'm sorry I told you anything," she said.

He stopped. "No. You're not sorry," he said simply.

"You're right. I'm not sorry. Just go." –Her voice cracked– "You can't stand to be in my presence."

Severus turned slowly around. "You think you know a lot about what goes on in my head." He looked at her for a moment. "If you really want me to leave, say it again. Say it again and I'll leave." He was using her own tactics on her, and they seemed to be working.

Lily shook her head. "We don't have to play this game, Severus. We don't have to play any game. We both know that I don't want you to leave. I want to be with you forever, but that's never going to happen. You're going to leave. You're too confused. I'm just a mudblood, remember?"

This time Snape winced at the word "Mudblood". Thinking, he looked at the floor. "You're right, Evans," he said softly, "You're always right."

Then he walked out the door, closed it gently behind him, and stormed to the dungeons.


	6. Miscommunications

Lily slid down the wall onto the floor. She raised her knees up to her chest and felt tears rising up into her eyes. No matter how much she refused to shed them, they kept coming, like an invincible army that has hidden reinforcements. Letting her head rest on her knees, she sobbed quietly into them. She decided that by now people were probably wondering where she was. Finally, after a few tear-filled minutes, she wiped off her face and headed towards the Gryffindor common room.

When she got there, she glanced cautiously around the room to make sure no one was present. It seemed safe enough. As she climbed the stairs to the girl's dormitory, the tears came back but this time she didn't stop them. They ran freely down her cheeks. How could that be? Lily Evans was the girl with a reputation of being strong. She did not cry. But then how could she be crying now? She would never cry over anyone but him.

Lily cried her heart out and sobbed so much that she started to shake. It was the kind of crying that hurt because there was so much force behind it. She wept until she had no tears left to give and fell asleep thinking about him.

Snape made his way into the dungeons. "Divinus," he said to the gargoyle who, in turn, opened up for him to pass through. He stormed into the dorms. "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid," he muttered to himself, flopping down onto the bed. Now, it was getting to the point to where he wanted to scream. He was so sick of bottling up his emotions like they were potions to be put on a shelf and opened when he wanted to use them. All he wanted to be was normal.

He kept reliving in his head the time spent in the Runes classroom. How could she read him so well? He didn't mind how people teased him and how they saw him as a slime ball because he knew he was more than that. But when Lily's disappointed face came up in his mind, he felt guilt beyond measure. Immense self-hatred flooded over him. He had hurt her and he knew that. He gave a sigh so long that his face turned a light shade of purple. When he breathed back in, some air got caught in his windpipes and he began to choke. He bolted for the bathroom.

As he threw up into the toilet, he realized that he had made a tremendous mistake. His hands trembled and he felt feverish at the thought of Lily being so hurt because of him. Head throbbing with pain, he slumped to the floor and leaned against the stall wall. His eyes stung with tears he didn't dare let loose.

"Stupid Snivellus, the git, the slime ball, the mudblood-hater," he hissed to himself in a fit of bitterness. His lips were almost bloody because he was biting them so hard, feeling full-blast the power of those words. "You have done a terrible thing," he whispered to himself, and then went back to the dorms.

He kicked his shoes off and let his emotions drift into a sleep haunted by dreams of Lily.

He woke up abruptly to find himself in the Ancient Runes classroom. But how could he be there? Had Lily left already? Had he passed out? But he saw that Lily was still there. She was watching him intently with a satisfied smirk on her face. He tried to move towards her and apologize but found he couldn't move or speak. In revenge, had Lily cast a spell on him? But he felt something wet at his feet. It was a thick, acidic substance bubbling to his legs. His legs were contained in a black pot, a cauldron, by the look of it. A cauldron? Acidic substance? Something was wrong, as Snape could tell by Lily's maniacal laugh while coming towards him with an oversized ladle. The acid was up to his neck. Lily was pointing the ladle at him like a weapon. She was getting bigger and bigger every second, or he was getting smaller and smaller. The acid was up to his mouth. He could barely breathe, and Lily had pulled out a knife. In desperation, he tried to swim away from her but she jabbed the knife into his side.

He awoke with a start, covered in sweat. The sharp pain in his side was not from the dream but from his wand, which he had fallen on when he tumbled out of bed. Sharp images of the nightmare came flashing to his mind and in an attempt to rid himself of them he shook his head rapidly.

Rubbing his eyes, he found that the forbidden tears that had welled up right before he fell asleep had made a delicate, silver web between his eyelashes. He blinked a couple times before he realized that he was the only one in the dormitory. A mixture of fear and dread came over him. He was late! How long had he been asleep? Thankful that he had fallen asleep in his robes, he grabbed his bag and scrambled out of the dorms to get something to eat.

Slyly, he tried to sneak into the Great Hall, but all the seats but one were filled up. The very last place open was next to Adrienne. Though his first thought was to skip breakfast altogether, he sighed and sat down in the very last seat. How could that day become any worse?

Adrienne grinned at him. "Hi, Severus! How are you?"

Snape gave a weak "Hello" and served himself a bowl of porridge. After taking a couple of spoonfuls, but stopped and just stared into space. He peered over at Lily, who was, yet again, looking at him over her book. The pace of his heart quickened. His body tensed up. Flashed of his dream ripped through his mind.

He looked away from her.

Lily's was disappointed when he glanced down. He didn't look like he was doing very well at all, but she couldn't be sure. Now she couldn't understand his feelings as much as before. It seemed more than anything that he didn't care about her. Morosely, she decided that she wouldn't talk to him, look at him, or make any connection with him anymore. Taking her eyes away from him, she pulled out her schedule to see what she had today. Her heart sank.

She had double potions with him today.

She could almost hear her heart breaking.

At the other end of the Great Hall, Snape was lost in his own thoughts. The instability of his emotions triggered his magic, and his porridge that had been quite cold started boiling.

Adrienne raised an eyebrow. His boiling breakfast made her realize that he must be really angry. Wisely, she didn't try to talk to him any more that mealtime. She didn't want that anger taken out on her.

Lily was couldn't resist a glance towards him. When she saw his porridge bubbling, she wished more than anything that she could go over to him and calm him down, but she didn't move for two reasons.

One, Severus would call her a nasty name again and tell her how much he hated her, which would send her into tears.

And two, everyone would find out about her feelings for him.

Some porridge splashed onto Snape's hand, sending him out of his thought-filled stupor. It burned his skin and he pulled out his wand to fix it. Then it occurred to him that porridge doesn't just fling itself at random people. He looked at the bowl, which was simmering, but he could tell it had been boiling. And expression of shock appeared on his face. She had completely unwound him!

It had to be a trick. The marauders wanted him to be weakened so he'd be easier to bully. Sure, she acted like she fancied him, but how could he be sure? How did he know she wasn't on Potter's side? She was probably his little house elf, catering to his every whim.

Lily watched him absorbedly, soaking in every detail of him. It was as if she would never be able to look at him enough. Each line in his face, every curve in his jaw, the exact shape of his nose, and the arch of his lips were all noticed. All she wanted in the world was to sit by him, if only to get closer. She wouldn't even need to touch him. Just to be near him would be enough, just to talk and see if what he said last night was true. Or just talk about anything. It didn't matter really.

When she finally got up the nerve to go to the Slytherin table, she caught herself halfway and headed out the door, where she walked right into James Potter.

"Oh, I'm sorry..." she said in a daze and reached down to pick up a few scattered things that had fallen out of her bag.

James bent to help her pick up her things. "A lot on your mind?" he asked kindly as he handed her a quill she had dropped.

Lily nodded and gave him a feeble smile. "Yeah... Sorry about that, Potter."

But then she caught a glimpse of a shocked face down the hall. Severus had seen her smiling at Potter while he picked up her things for her. Looking hurt, Snape stormed away.

He felt like he was going to burst into confetti. Lily and Potter... and he had been foolish enough to thing Lily could ever really like him. She was in league with Potter. Severus's heart ached with a lasting pain and he shook his head at himself.

When Potter left, Lily shoved the rest of her things back in her bag. With puffy eyes, she headed to the dreaded potions room where she would face unavoidable emotional conflict of interest. Would she apologize to Severus and risk getting hurt again? Or would she keep her feelings to herself and stay safe?

She heard footsteps behind her and looked to see who it was. Her heart skipped a beat but tears also came to her eyes when she saw whom it was. Snape. Quickly, she turned back around and wished with her whole heart that he hadn't noticed her watery eyes. What was she supposed to say to him? Nothing was best, she decided. If he wanted to talk, he'd say something to her.

Snape took a detour to the boy's lavatory. As he came out of the stall, a glimpse of his dark, greasy figure caught his eye. He stopped and turned to the mirror. The sandy porridge lurched. His hair was oily, his adolescent face scowling, his nose hooked and his complexion sour. Whereas Potter's hair was scruffy yet clean, his complexion tan and smooth, and he was really handsome compared to Snape. Perhaps Lily only liked guys with good hygiene.

He rushed over to the sink, washed his face, straitened out his hair, and tried to smile, but couldn't. Never would he be equal to Potter in terms of appearance. He grimaced at himself on last time before stomping out of the bathroom and slamming the door with all the strength he could muster.

Lily bit her lip when she realized he was no longer behind her. As much as she hated to say it, she had wanted him to talk to her. She wanted to be sure what he'd said was wrong. Her bright green eyes started to well up with tears again, but she held them back. She stepped into the Potions classroom. No one but Professor Slughorn was there. Glancing at the clock, she realized that she was really early. Putting her bag on the table, she began to fix the things inside. Everything was askew. Once she finally got it all in order, she put the bag by her chair and pulled out her potions book in hopes that it would take her away from her own horrible thoughts.

She read over the directions for their next potion, not taking in a word of it. She was too worried to concentrate.

Snape opened the door to the potions classroom. His robes billowing dramatically behind him, he briskly walked in and dropped his bag on the floor as he sat down next to Lily. Neither of them said a word. Slughorn left the room.

Lily stiffened but did not look up. She tried to make it look like she was actually reading. More than anything, she wished she could say something to him, anything to make him acknowledge her existence.

After a moment, Severus pulled out his tattered potions book and flipped through the pages. The swift movement of paper cut through the still, perturbed silence. Finally, he found the page. He leaned back, wondering who would be the first to speak. He was the guy, so it really should be him who speaks first, but in the whole time they had been together, he had never had the courage to do anything first. It had always been Lily.

The classroom was utterly empty and it would not stay that way for long. Now was his only chance. He took it.

"Do you want to stir or chop?" he said randomly.

Lily looked up at him. "I think you're better at stirring, but I'm okay with either." She looked at the gentle curves of his face and wondered how no one had ever appreciated them before.

Snape noticed that her voice wasn't like her normal voice at all. It sounded almost dead. He licked his lips, which were chapped. "I guess I'll stir then," he said blankly.

He didn't know what else to do. More than anything, he hated himself for walking out on her last night. Wondering what to do with his hands, he rummaged through his bag aimlessly. Unexpectedly, he hissed a curse at himself. He turned to Lily and sighed.

"Evans."

He didn't say it like he wanted her attention. He said it more like he just wanted to say it and like he had been holding it back for a while. Lily closed her eyes and then opened them again. "Yes?" she asked, trying not to look too excited that he was actually talking to her. But she knew he wouldn't talk about last night. It would be something stupid, like, "Can I borrow your inkwell?" or "What do you think of the Chuddley Cannons this year?" She looked at him miserably. There was the person she had so longed to be near since he's walked out of the runes classroom. He was right there in front of her, taunting her.

Snape felt his stomach lurch in happiness as he met her eyes. Suddenly what he was going to ask her about seemed irrelevant. But now was neither the place nor the time to bring up... runes.

"Do you thing we could swap positions? I didn't bring my ladle," he asked casually, as if he didn't know that runes were on both of their minds. They were both waiting for the other to bring it up first.

"Right," said Lily disappointedly. "Well, that's fine. I can stir." She didn't intend to bring it up first, but there was no way she could wait any longer. She whispered, "About what you said in Ancient Runes..."

Snape tensed up. "What about it?"

"Did you mean it?" asked Lily, her voice hard and unwavering. She looked up at him, wanting to see the exact expression on his face when he said whether he did or not.

He felt immediately weakened by her gaze. "It was what you wanted to hear, wasn't it?" he said as he flicked a dead fly across the room, not looking at her.

"No," she said firmly, but a flicker of red flashed in her eyes. "It wasn't what I wanted. But what I want is completely irrational. Apparently, you either don't believe that I fancy you or you don't care," –Her anger appeared in her expression for only a second, but Snape still saw it­­– "All I want to know is where you stand. If you don't like me, then I will leave you alone. It's that simple."

Snape was silent.

"Yes or no, Severus? Though I'd have trouble seeing you say no, since it was only last night that we were plotting a way to be together."

Snape took a breath, about to answer, when the door busted open and students poured in, including Potter and Black, whom Snape glowered at. Lily and Snape looked at each other. She knew he couldn't answer now, not with marauders hanging around.

"This doesn't put you off the hook," Lily whispered.

They were silent for a few minutes, with only the background sound of students talking and the barely audible scratching of a Lily's quill on parchment. Although the directions were in her book, she wrote them down from the board anyways. Snape looked over at her and wondered why she was writing down the instructions. He shrugged. Chances were she didn't even know why.

He glanced at their potion for today. It was Verisatum, truth potion. How splendid. It would be the perfect chance for Lily to find out exactly how he felt about her. All she would have to do is pocket some, slip some into his drink, and ask him. He shuddered at the very thought of it. But... if the potion wasn't brewed correctly, she wouldn't have the chance.

Slughorn walked back in and greeting the class with a hearty "Hello," then walked to the back and took a seat. Snape got up to get the ingredients.

Lily's mind was buzzing. Their potion today was Verisatum. It would be the perfect chance to find out exactly how Severus felt. Or, rather, they could take some together, use it on Lily, and let him know that she really did like him. Then he might be more comfortable around her.

Snape came back with the ingredients and Slughorn started to make his rounds. When he came by Lily and Snape's desk, he smiled and said, "How are you two this morning?"

"Fine," mumbled Snape.

"Okay," murmured Lily, not looking up.

Slughorn raised an eyebrow as he walked away.

The rest of the class period they were silent, talking only when they had to. When the potion was nearly finished Lily took out of piece of spare parchment, scribbled something onto it, and stuck it into Snape's robe pocket. They left.

Curious, Snape pulled out the paper as soon as everyone was out of sight. It read, "Runes, tomorrow, midnight."

It was the next evening at 11:45. A long creak broke the hushed peacefulness of the Gryffindor common room. Quiet footsteps pitter-pattered along the wooden floor. A shadow stealthily tiptoed out the door, which closed with a tiny click.

Lily Evans walked cautiously out of the Gryffindor common room. Her heart was beating extra fast. Her head felt like it was filled with helium. Tonight was the night that she would find out exactly how Severus Snape felt about her. It was the night of truth. Although she was excited, the anxiety she felt was almost unbearable. On a lookout, Lily crept throughout the halls.

She heard footsteps. Cautiously, she managed to hide her body behind a coat of armor. The footsteps got louder and louder until they stopped right in front of Lily's hiding place. Her heart skipped a beat.

"Come out, little student!" came a hoarse whisper. "I know someone's hid–"

"Filch! Someone set off a dung bomb right next to the Hufflepuff dormitory," said the voice Lily recognized as the Fat Friar's. "Could you come clean it up?"

Filch snarled, but walked away, muttering to himself.

As soon as Filch and the ghost were out of sight, Lily rushed off the Ancient runes classroom, where she found no one waiting for her. She took a seat on a desk and waited. And she waited and waited and waited and waited and waited...

After about an hour, she was getting pretty fed up. "Where are you..." she mumbled under her breath, but didn't leave. After two more hours had passed, he hadn't shown. Three hours of waiting and all she was left with was a broken heart and watery eyes on a sniveling face.

Almost in tears, Lily walked back to the Gryffindor common room and back to the girl's dorms. When she reached her bed, she collapsed onto it and broke out into histrionic tears. How could he have stood her up? She thought he had cared at least enough to come down and tell her he didn't like her. But to ignore her completely! Never again would she speak to him. Never again would she let him have the satisfaction of knowing he'd hurt her. Never again would he have even the slightest chance of winning her back. Never again...

And she was asleep.


	7. We're not enemies

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 7

When Lily Evans woke up the next morning, she got out of bed and picked up her schedule to see if she had potions. She wanted to know if she would have to face him today. As she searched her schedule, she gave a soft sigh of relief. There would be no more potions for the rest of the week. Of course, it was already Thursday, so that didn't make it all that significant, but it brightened up Lily anyways.

After a quick trip to the lavatory, Lily pulled her clothes on lazily and combed out her hair. In no rush, she packed her bag with all the books she would need that day: Charms, Herbology, Arithmancy, and Divination. She then picked up her bag and walked down to the Great Hall for breakfast.

It seemed to her that nothing really mattered that day; it was almost as if she were drugged. She was strangely happy, considering what had happened the night before. Though she had gone to sleep sad and mournful, she no longer lamented over Severus Snape and his supposed feelings. What did he matter? It was just Snivellus, after all.

She took a seat and served herself some eggs and bacon. She even let herself speak to Potter merrily, without fear of what Snape thought. It was as though the chains that had held her back had been cut free and she was free to live again. She looked over at the Slytherin table, happily hoping to see the expression on Snape's face when he saw her talking to Potter.

But Snape wasn't there. He was nowhere to be found at the lengthy Slytherin table.

By then, she had been ignoring Potter's Quidditch talk, at least until she heard him talking about Snape.

"Hey, Padfoot, wasn't the look on Snivelly's face great when we hexed him yesterday?"

Sirius chuckled. "Yeah, looked like he was about to blubber, didn't he?"

Sirius, James, and Peter were all laughing hysterically. Remus was reading a book titled, "Werewolves: an In-Depth Study of Their Habits and Horrors."

"Pity we got in trouble," said Potter arrogantly.

"I just hope he stays in the hospital wing until Christmas!" choked Black, almost hyperventilating from laughter.

Something in Lily's mind clicked, and she got up, leaving her food untouched, and fled the Great Hall.

"Wonder what's gotten into her..." said James, spooning in some more eggs.

Lily walked tentatively into the hospital wing. On one of the clean, white beds sat Severus Snape, reading. His dark hair was pulled behind his ears to show a very red, torn-up face. Lily gasped.

Finally aware of her presence, Snape looked directly at her. He looked surprised.

"Lily..." he said breathlessly.

She rushed over to him and took a seat in a chair next to his bed.

"Severus!" she said urgently. "What in the name of Merlin happened to you?"

"Potter," he said simply.

"I know. I hear him talking about it at breakfast, but I didn't hear the details. So wha–"

"You were sitting next to Potter at breakfast?" Snape interrupted.

"Well," said Lily sheepishly, "I thought you had stood me up last night. I was mad."

Snape looked angry for a minute, but then he just looked a bit gloomy. "I'm sorry I didn't come, but I've been here,"–he spread his arms out to indicate that he meant the hospital wing–"all night. And I couldn't send a message to you because that would give us away. We're supposed to be enemies, remember?"

"Are we?" asked Lily. She still didn't know whether he fancied her or not.

Snape opened his mouth to say something, but the bell rang, ending breakfast.

As Lily got up and walked a few paces away, Snape said, "You know, Evans, we're certainly not enemies."

She just looked at him.

"I'll be out of here by noon today."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Runes?"

He nodded.

"You'd better be there," she said very loudly as she walked across the hospital wing.

"Shhhhh!" screeched an agitated Madam Pomfrey.

Lily and Severus both smirked.

After Charms, Lily was exhausted from having to endure all of Potter's advances. She was really looking forward to a lunch period in the Ancient Runes classroom, with Snape. Practically skipping, she entered the Great Hall. She sat down and shoveled some food into her mouth. Seeing Remus Lupin's curious eyes watching her, she went over to him and cheerily said, "Hello Remus!"

He grinned. "Hi, Lily."

"How are you?"

He brushed some of his sandy-blond hair out of his eyes. "Fine. What happened with that thing with Snape?"

Lily suddenly became very interested in her schedule. "What?" she said, trying to look like she didn't care, "What thing about Snape?"

"You know, the thing where I said there was a possibility that you could like him," said Remus, half smiling.

"Oh, that. I had almost forgot about it!" said Lily jokingly, but then became very solemn. "Um, well, nothing happened."

Remus smiled mysteriously. "Right," he said simply. It appeared he was not convinced.

"I've got to go," said Lily as her brain was whizzing, trying to make up an excuse. "To the library," she added quickly. "Maybe I'll see you later?"

Again, Remus gave her a broad smile.

Lily half-ran-half-walked over to her seat, picked up her bag, and headed out of the Great Hall.

When she got to the Ancient Runes classroom, she found Snape waiting for her.

"Hey," she said.

His mouth twitched.

"I believe be have a bit to discuss," Lily said as she stared raptly at him. "First, were you serious when you agreed to what I said?"

Snape looked away, took a deep breath, and then glanced back at Lily. He stared at her for a moment. "No," he said simply.

"That's good," she said softly, as though if she talked too loud he would be scared away again. "That's good..."

Looking back he added, "I was angry."

She stepped closer to him. They were only a millimeter away. Staring up into his beautiful, dark eyes, all of Lily's other questions were forgotten. It was just Lily and Severus, with at least twenty more minutes possible together and no one wondering where they were...

Snape's heart was racing, his stomach flipping around. His breathing quickened. He tried to say something, but all words escaped him. His wide, panicky eyes were staring at her. He hated the way he felt so vulnerable around her, but more than that he hated that he hated it.

Lily slowly slipped each of her hands into his. She couldn't believe he was letting her touch him. She half expected him to pull away from her and call her a mudblood at any moment. She stared up into his eyes, his dark, beautiful eyes. They reminded her of deep tunnels that one would have to look really far down to see anything. A silvery wisp appeared in the darkest part of his left eye.

He couldn't keep himself from wanting more. He wanted to be closer to her, but he was already freaked out about touching her, about being touched. They were holding hands. They were close. The entirety of him was screaming for more, but a little voice in the back of his head kept whispering that he had already gone far enough, even too far. His hands trembled uncontrollably within hers. He could smell the sweet scent of her hair.

This was all going too fast.

He couldn't breathe...

He couldn't move...

The intensity of their stare could have burnt down a seven-story building. He couldn't take his eyes off hers and she couldn't take her eyes off his. There was so much power in their gaze, so much power in their feelings toward each other...

Snape grasped Lily's hands tightly, as though he would never let them go. All else was forgotten. It was only he... and Lily... They were alone... Anything could happen...

He leaned toward her.

She closed her eyes.

When he was just a millisecond from kissing her, the bell rang, ending their time together.

Lily looked at him with a sad smile. The enchantment seemed to have broken.

"Right. Well, goodbye, then," said Snape as he turned away from her and walked out.

"Bye," she said quietly.

_What is a guy supposed to say when he's just been interrupted from almost kissing a girl? _thought Snape.


	8. Pumpkin Patch Problems

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

It was getting much colder, for autumn had passed and winter had moved in like a tenant moves into an apartment. The days became bitter and harsh, with a tiny bit of snow now and then. The season had changed. Thus, the students at Hogwarts began wearing their winter cloaks.

On an especially cold day, Lily was walking to Care of Magical Creatures, wearing her winter cloak buttoned up as tightly as was possible. She got cold very easily. But since she was all snug and warm in her cloak, she rather enjoyed being outside. In fact, because her class didn't start for another hour, she sat down on a bench in the squash patch and just enjoyed the scenery.

Severus was briskly trotting down to Herbology when he saw her sitting on the bench. Smirking, he looked at her a bit more closely. Her bright green eyes were gazing appreciatively at the picturesque scene around her, and her fiery hair was waving in the breeze. She was bundled up in her cloak, all snuggled in looking warm and content. Snape cocked his head to one side and the edges of his mouth twitched upwards. She looked like a fat little bunny.

The wind blew some hair into her face, but she was so comfortable that she didn't want to move. So she shaped her lips into an oval and began puffing, trying to get the irksome strand of hair off her nose. It moved a little. She smiled slightly, but kept puffing. To her dismay, the hair moved no more. She tried shaking her head. It didn't work.

Severus looked at her curiously. She was acting very peculiar.

Exasperated, she started puffing again, and she puffed harder than ever. Suddenly, some air became caught in her windpipe and she started coughing violently while turning a deep shade of purple.

Severus became concerned, but still didn't move. He didn't want to announce his presence just yet.

When Lily had caught her breath, she felt a tickle on her nose. It was still there. Then, out of nowhere, she burst into a fit of laughter. It was just so funny, that she had almost choked because she was too lazy to brush some hair off her face.

But, she thought as she continued laughing, she was finally truly happy after such a long time of sadness. And she was happy that she was happy, which was ludicrous in and of itself. Then she laughed at how silly she was being then, and she laughed at herself for laughing so much, and she laughed for no reason at all.

Snape stepped out from behind a tree. "Wow," he said loudly, announcing his presence. "That was fun to watch."

Lily gasped, trying to catch her breath. As she saw his grin, she smiled. "Are you making fun of me?"

He walked over and sat down on the bench next to her. "Maybe I am."

She smiled hesitantly, wondering what to say next. Unexpectedly, Snape grabbed her hand gently. She looked at him, and he gave her an uncertain look. She laughed.

Confused, Snape became panicked. "Why are you laughing at me?" he asked.

"Because you look so adorable when you're frightened."

He took his hand from hers. "Who said I was frightened?" His face burned red with awkwardness. She didn't say anything and slipped her hand back into his.

Seeing his defeat, Severus shrugged. "Well," he said embarrassedly, "Maybe I was frightened, but you realize we haven't done anything like this in a while."

Lily looked at him, remembering the past few weeks. They had been so busy that they had not seen much of each other. In fact, the only connections they had had in the past few weeks were furtive glances in potions class. She could see why he might be frightened to touch her. But still, she was glad he had.

Lily looked up at Severus, noting how handsome he looked. In the winter sunshine his skin did not look so pallid. His dark winter robes matched his hair, giving him a shadowy, mysterious aura. And his eyes, which had always fascinated her, were gleaming with happiness as he squeezed her hand, and it was a type of happiness she had never seen before.

He looked at Lily with a serious stare, which made her slightly nervous, but then he looked off into space for a second, then down at his shoes, as though he was slightly miserable.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

He looked at her and asked her, "Why do you like me?"

She gave a shocked look.

Looking apologetic, he sighed. "I don't mean it in a bad way, you know. I just wondered – I always wondered what you saw in me that no one else did."

"Oh," said Lily. "When you put it that way it doesn't seem nearly as bad." She thought for a minute, and then answered, "I really don't know exactly what it is I see in you, but I know that, whatever it is, I pity others for never caring enough to try and find it."

They were silent for a moment, just enjoying each other's presence and the beauty of the day. While they had been talking a thin layer of snow had dusted the ground, making it an attractive scene. The sun was hidden behind a cloud, but the light still peeped through in random places, leaving long rays of illumination across the light blue sky.

Lily sighed, taking in the peacefulness of her surroundings. She pointed at the beams of light emitted from the cloud and said very softly, "When I was a child, my mum would say that those beams of light were ladders that the angels climbed from heaven to earth." Severus watched as a tear trickled down her cheek. She continued, "When mum died, I cursed the ladders as I imagined the angels carrying her soul up to heaven. I hated those lights because, without them, my mum's soul would have stayed here on earth, with me."

Her tears were running freely now, and the pain she had kept bottled up inside for years poured out as Severus patted her back. She sobbed quietly, holding Snape's hand and whispering her fears, her doubts, everything that she had never been able to share because no one would've understood.

Lily rested her head against Snape's chest, feeling broken but happy because she knew that Snape understood what it was like to be unable to share one's feelings because no one was willing to listen. He knew how it felt to be judged. And, more importantly, he knew how it felt to need another human being's comfort.

Snape held her, wishing he could do more for her. It was heartbreaking to see her, so terribly alone, pouring her heart out in his arms while he could do nothing to help her.

"Shhhh," he whispered. "It's alright."

Her sobbing quieted as she smothered her face in his robes. When she took her face, all puffy and red, away from his robes, she rested her head on his shoulder and gazed at him through watery eyes.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi." She smiled slightly.

"Are you going to be okay to go to your next class?" he asked, concerned.

"I don't know. Maybe." She wiped her face. "I suppose I look terrible, don't I?"

Snape blushed and bashfully said, "You look beautiful."

She laughed. "Thanks. But even if I look beautiful to you, I may not seem as good-looking to everyone else. Anyway, I still _feel _terrible, even if I don't look it."

Severus smiled deviously. "Would you allow me to help with that?"

Confused, Lily began to question him. "What do you mean?" But before he could answer she had a feeling she already knew.

Leaning forward, Snape pressed his lips against hers. The icy weather seemed to fade away as they shared each other's warmth. It seemed almost fanciful, too beautiful to be true. After a time that seemed much too short, Snape pulled away, blushing dreadfully. He looked at Lily in a self-conscious way, but also seemed quite pleased with himself.

They sat next to each other for a moment, just looking at each other. Lily started to say something, but was interrupted by a sound behind them.

Stumbling, James Potter fell out of his hiding place.


	9. Heated Discussions

"Do you think we should chase him?" asked Lily.

"What would we do with him if we caught him?" Snape snapped somewhat-harshly.

"I don't know."

He turned his back on her and kicked the ground, disheveling some snow. "Of course not," he muttered under his breath.

"What's that supposed to mean?" fumed Lily.

"What do you think it means?" he yelled furiously. "What do you think any of this means?"

Lily took a step backwards. "Why are you being like this?" she whispered in a low voice. She looked at his eyes and saw the fear in them.

"Because you obviously don't realize the significance of what just happened," he spat.

"Oh really?" Lily burst out. "Really? Do you honestly think I'm that stupid?"

"I don't think you're stupid, but I do think you don't realize what this could turn into," Snape said coolly.

"And what exactly is that?"

His eyes bored into hers. "You underestimate him."

"You just don't like him because he fancies me," she shot back callously.

"Don't flatter yourself."

Lily gave him a look of extreme hatred.

Snape continued, "He's clever, you know. Maybe not in potions, but he is clever. You know what he and his friends get into."

"Yes, I know what they do. But at least they know how to have a bit of fun, for Christ's sake."

He shook his head. "So you think humiliating me in front of my classmates is considered 'fun', do you?"

He was shaking with rage. Seeing the look on his face, Lily said quietly, "I'm sorry."

Snape was silent for a bit. Then, with bitterness in his voice, he quietly said, "I've been expecting something like this to happen."

"Expecting it?" Lily said. "How could you be expecting it?"

He cleared his voice. Then, searching for words, he slowly said, "Its been too good... too perfect.... Something had to happen to... to mess it up..."

"Oh," was all Lily managed to say.

He looked weary. Sitting down on the bench, he sighed. "So what shall we do about Potter?"

Lily couldn't be sure if he was talking to her or himself.

He rambled to himself, "Blackmailing wouldn't work; we've nothing to blackmail him with. And, besides, no one would believe us over him anyway. There's no one to help us, as we're the only ones who know about... us. And its not as though we could threaten him; he's too many friends who can handle a wand reasonably well." He paused. "I really haven't the slightest idea what to do."

"Severus?" Lily said hesitantly.

He looked at her through dark eyes.

"There is one person who could help us."

Presumptuously, Snape shook his head. "No_,_" he said resentfully. "There isn't."

Lily looked exasperated. "Will you please just _listen_?"

"Listen?" cried Snape. "Potter could be all the way to school right now, ruining us both, and you just want me to _listen_?"

Lily crossed her arms. "Yes. I do. And anyways, I doubt he'll start telling everyone right as he gets in the door. Most likely he'll wait until it will hurt us the most. He's probably really angry."

"And that's precisely why he'll want to tell right away!" Snape interrupted. "He'll want to hurt us as soon as possible."

Lily sighed impatiently.

Snape, feeling disrespected, waspishly said, "Since when did you become an expert on James Potter?"

Lily fired up in rage. "Since when did you become and expert on him either, Severus? Because last time I checked, you and Potter still hated each other. And when people hate each other, they don't get to know each other very well! You ask me how _I_ became an expert on James Potter? Well, I'm sure I've spent more time talking to him than you have. We were even friends at one point! I doubt you could say the same!"

Severus stared in silent anger. A flush of red danced on his pallid face and his eyes were narrowed. He knew she was right, but his uncontrollable ire and his sense of pride kept him from apologizing.

"Oho!" exclaimed Lily. "Can't find the words to say, can you? We both know you don't know what to do about being found out. And you're angry, of course, so you've got to blame it on someone. Why not me? Why not Lily? Obviously, you don't care enough about me to think about what you're saying!"

Severus tried to speak, but Lily cut him off. "And if you don't care, then what the hell am I still doing here?"

She got up and began to grab her things. "No!" shouted Snape in despair. "Please, Lily, I...."

"Save it," she said contemptuously. "You've had your chance, Severus. And you just blew it."

Snape looked at her with desperate dark eyes, his mouth quivering on the verge of speech.

"It's over, Severus. I wish it didn't have to turn out this way, but it has. And I'm sure James Potter will have no problem forgetting what he saw once I'm his girlfriend. Good day, and don't act weird around me in potions."

Turning around, she left for Care of Magical Creatures.

When she was gone, Severus put his face in his hands and wished he wasn't too proud to cry. He dropped to the ground and pummeled the snow, knowing that she had left him, knowing that he had hurt her, knowing that his Herbology class had started long ago, and knowing that he needed to win her back.


	10. Elvira

The Gryffindor common room was usually a cheerful place. The fireplace lit up cold nights with warm, welcoming flames while students sat on the hearth drinking hot chocolate. It was the choice place for studying and reading on the large overstuffed sofas and armchairs in shades of gold and maroon. Laughter swam throughout the room as Gryffindors socialized and relaxed. It was a cheerful place.

But not now. Not for Lily. In fact, she resented the joyous mirth in the room. And the warmth of the fire could not penetrate her melancholic mood.

Why had she lashed out? Why had she acted so rashly at such a crucial moment? Had it been anger that spurred her to end it with Severus, or had it been fear? Maybe even love? Was she afraid to love? Or was she afraid to love Severus? Was it that they were too different, or was it that Lily had refused to believe how similar they were?

And why, oh why, had she told him she was going to date James Potter?

"Lily?" came the dreaded voice.

Speak of the devil; here he was.

Lily forced a smile. "Hello, James."

She looked up to see James Potter and, to her surprise, a girl holding hands with him. "Ah. Yes," said James. "Lily, I'd like you to meet Elvira Lamont. She just transferred from Beaux Batons. El, this is Lily Evans."'

"_Enchante_," said Elvira in a dulcet tone, like wind chimes on a gusty day.

"Pleased to meet you," Lily gasped as Elvira grasped her hand. This was not what Lily had anticipated.

James ruffled his hair awkwardly. Lily stared in awe at the girl standing before her. She was beautiful. No, more than beautiful. She was _dazzling._ Never before had Lily seen someone as graceful as Elvira Lamont.

Her soft brown hair fell elegantly over her shoulders. Her eyes were the lightest blue, like being underwater and looking up at the sun. The tone of her skin was like a coffee and crème chocolate, tanned but smooth and rich. And her facial expression made her look so innocent, but so kind that no one could withhold a secret, or tell a lie while she was in the room.

Lily fell out of her chair with a thump.

James jumped to her side and helped her up. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yes," Lily managed to say, now that her senses had come back from vacation. "I was just dazed from the fire." Lily pointed at the flames in front of which Elvira was standing. She cleared her throat. "James, we need to talk."

"Okay," he said knowingly. "I assume you have a lot to explain."

"And a lot to ask," Lily added.

James looked at the tall, poised Elvira Lamont, smiled smoothly, and said, "Elvira, would you mind if Lily and I talked for a bit?"

"Not at all, _mon cherie_."

James and Lily walked to the nearest empty room and closed the door.

"Explain," James said.

"You first," commanded Lily with a raised eyebrow.

"Sounds fair."

"Who is she?"

"You just met her," he said impatiently. "Elvira Lamont, transfer student."

"And?"

"What else is there to tell?" asked James, irritated.

Lily chewed her lip. "Are you going out?"

"Yes."

"Since when?"

"This morning."

"When did you meet?"

"This morning."

"And you two just decided to go out, even though you barely know each other?"

James looked dismayed. 'What the hell, Lily?" He cried. "Since when did you ever care who I go out with?"

Lily was silent.

"And anyways," James continued. "You have a boyfriend, don't you? Is that why you never liked me? Because while I was trying like hell to get you to notice me you were off snogging Snivellus? How long has this been going on?"

Lily sighed dejectedly. "He's not my boyfriend."

"Then what is he?"

"Nothing, now."

"What do you mean?"

"I broke it off."

"Because of me?"

"Yes."

"Shit, Lily!" James practically yelled. "Don't tell me you want to go out with me now?"

Again, Lily was silent.

"But you still like Snape?" asked James.

"I don't know."

"Good Lord."

Lily sighed.

"How could you even like him in the first place?" James asked. "He always treated you like shit!"

"He can be very nice sometimes."

"Only sometimes?"

"Well," said Lily hesitantly. "He's not very nice when he's angry."

"I just don't understand," said James, his forehead creased in bewilderment.

"I don't either," sighed Lily.

"You guys were the most unlikely match I could've imagined."

"True. We're not very much alike."

"Actually," said James, deep in thought. "You do have some pretty strong similarities."

"Like what?"

"Number one, you both are loners. Neither of you really fit in with everyone else. You, by choice, and Snape... well, because he's a prat."

"It doesn't help that you make him unpopular."

"He makes _himself_ unpopular, Lily. And part of that is because of how cruel he is to you. Well, at least in public."

"And sometimes alone," Lily added.

"Okay," breathed James. "Number two, you both are good at potions."

"A lot of people are good at potions."

"But you two are the best!" ejaculated James. "And by being potions partners, you were forced to be together a lot, thereby having many times when you had to talk to each other."

"And I know number three," said Lily quietly.

James raised an eyebrow. "And what exactly is number three?"

"We both hated you."

There was silence for a minute as James admitted the bitter truth. "Thanks," he muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. So you guys came together, in a sense, because of me, when that was the least thing I'd have wanted."

"Yes. That and the power of suggestion."

"Who suggested? You or Snape?" He looked genuinely interested.

Lily bit her lip. "Neither."

"Then who did?"

Lily laughed with the stupidity of it. "Remus Lupin," she said. "He seemed to think Snape and I were a good idea."

"I'll kill him," said James. "He was supposed to be on my side."

"Yes. I wondered why he wanted to be the cupid for Snape and I, of all people."

"Cupid Lupin," said James, breathless with the idea that his friend had betrayed him.

Lily laughed. "So what's going to happen now?" she asked, realizing the irony of it all. "What a mess. Its like a soap opera."

"Yeah," James laughed cheerlessly. "And a really sick one at that."

Lily's green eyes pierced James's hazel ones. "Do you think things will work out with Elvira?" she asked.

James sighed. "I don't know yet. She's wonderful, but I don't really know her."

"Well, you've only just met."

"I'll know with time."

"I know this sounds terrible, but I wish that she wasn't here right now. Things would be a lot less complicated if you still liked me."

"I do like you, Lily. Just not the way I did before."

"I've noticed."

James stared at her apologetically. "It figures you'd start liking me when I finally get over you."

"That makes me sound really insensitive."

"Well, in a way you are."

Lily fumed. "What makes you say that?"

"Don't you see, Lily? You've trampled my heart for years and you never gave a damn. And now, as much as I hate to say it, you're trampling whatever snippet of a heart Snape has. If you're not careful, he'll lose the little bit he has left."

Lily hugged James tightly, which surprised him, but he went along with it smoothly.

"Er... what exactly was that for?"

Lily smiled. "You know, James, you used to be so arrogant that I never would've done that. But just then you showed me that even though you hate Severus you still could think of him as person. And by showing that you've proved yourself more mature than you've ever been."

James ruffled his hair proudly. "Thanks, Lily."

"So are we friends?"

James grinned. "Yes, I think so."

"And will you promise never to touch Severus again?"

"Lily...."

She frowned. "What? Is that too much to ask?"

"Well, yes, it kind of is."

"How so?"

"What am I supposed to do if he attacks me first?"

"Well," she said. "If he attacks first, then I guess you can defend yourself. But I wouldn't count on him attacking you. I'm going to talk to him."

"Okay," he said, as though he disbelieved her power over him. "But if he attacks me, I won't guarantee you'll get him back in one piece."

She rolled her eyes. "Now you're just being childish."

He shrugged. "I'd better get back to Elvira."

Lily sighed. "And I have to go find Snape."

"Good luck."

"Thank you. I think I'm going to need it."


	11. Sunken

CHAPTER 12

Sunken

Adrienne Cutler watched the dark figure on a couch in the Slytherin common room. He lay there recklessly, his hair strewn all over his face, his limbs lying wherever they happened to have landed. But this was not what concerned Adrienne, she had seen him like this before after a particularly rough day or late at night when he'd been to tired to move his hair or his arms or legs. It was his expression that alarmed her.

Never before had Adrienne seen Severus Snape lying so lethargically, with such an appearance of apathy. His expression was so listless, his thin face so frighteningly lacking in any color, and his eyes so vacant and vulnerable. It looked as though his soul had fled far away and all that was left was an empty shell, so painfully vacuous that it was repellent to Adrienne.

Part of what Adrienne liked about Snape was how alert he was. In his eyes, the same eyes that everyone else (or so Adrienne believed) thought appeared blank and hollow, Adrienne saw an ever thinking, exceptionally aware, curious nature that was so rare in anyone, man or woman. Just by Snape's expression, she could tell that he was always thinking and analyzing the world around him. This made Snape unique, because very few teenage wizards at Hogwarts had the appearance of thinking at all, much less all the time. And seeing Snape with such a vacant expression shocked Adrienne in a way of concern and repulsion.

She could not bring herself to ask what was wrong.

Instead, she merely stared in unpleasant fascination. Not having the internal strength to confront him, she lingered in a phase of indecision. Her curiosity over Snape was mangled in an obscured fear of him. Even his appearance frightened her, the way the dim, greenish light reflected on his face, pronouncing the dark, sunken skin under his eyes. A sense of terror gripped her in thought of approaching him.

She turned away from him and left.

**Note: **And, as promised, I am updating again. Sorry for such a short chapter, but I really wanted to try from Adrienne's P.O.V. By the way, in case you haven't already figured it out, the name Adrienne Cutler means "Dark Maker of Knives." Be sure to look for root words in character names/potions/whatnot that I make up. I almost always use Greek or Latin roots.

**To all of my reviewers: **Thank you so much for your reviews! I appreciate getting some feedback. As I update be sure to review and tell me what you like, and also what I'm doing wrong so I can improve it. If you don't feel comfortable reviewing, that's alright but I am always welcome to any input my readers would like to give.

**To Pooky The Kid: **You mentioned that you'd like to see Severus do some retaliating against the marauders, so I'll be sure to include that in an upcoming chapter (not the next one, but perhaps the one after that.)


	12. Hygrocentesia

CHAPTER 13

Hygrocentesia

"Today you will have an hour to make Hygrocentesia, a dehydrating potion. It is a poison, and has very deadly effects. Though I should not have to tell you, please do not eat or drink any ingredients or potions. That could lead to very undesirable consequences." Slughorn grinned at the class. "Start _now_."

Lily glanced furtively at Snape, who had gotten up to get the ingredients. She looked down at the directions and was not shocked to see that it was a very complicated potion. Being in the N.E.W.T. level of potion making, it was uncommon to come across a simple potion. But Hygrocentesa seemed more difficult than anything she had ever done. What if she was unable to make it?"

She glanced to her left. Snape had returned, carrying a load of supplies for the potion. As he sat down he said nothing but pulled out his ladle and began to work.

Lily knew that for productive potion making, the creators had to exchange some type of verbal interaction, no matter how small. She wondered who would be the first to talk.

_Damn_, she thought. _Were back to the guessing game. Who will talk first? What is the other person thinking? Do we really have to play this game?_

"I assume I'm chopping," she said, merely for the sake of saying something.

He gave a curt nod and continued his work without even looking at her. She sighed in dejection, disappointed by his lack of speech.

Her green eyes flashed. "Will you please say something?" she asked, her voice rising dangerously.

Finally, he looked at her, his black eyes stubborn. "What exactly do you want me to say?" he said, infuriating Lily.

"Forget it. I shouldn't have even asked." She began chopping the first ingredient.

Snape glimpsed at her briefly, but continued his work. After creating the base mixture, he paused and waited for Lily to finish chopping the first item. She handed it to him and he added it to the potion. It remained the right consistency but changed its color from light to dark blue. Smiling slightly, Snape accepted the second ingredient (snake venom) and carefully poured it in. Suddenly, he felt a stinging pain in his wrist and saw that a drop of the venom had landed on his skin and was burning it straight through. He grimaced, pulled out his wand, and mended the broken skin. Trying not to physically express the pain, he clutched his ladle and began stirring.

Feeling Lily's eyes on him, he looked her way. Their eyes met and Snape could feel his adrenaline rushing as he pulled his eyes away from her pale face. He forced himself to stare directly at the potion and ignore his flushed cheeks. He had promised himself that he wouldn't show any emotion toward Lily. Concentrating even harder, he double-checked the directions and lowered the heat on the fire.

Fuming at his cold shoulder, Lily diced the ingredients quickly and fastidiously. Her hand became a blur in the swift, precise chopping movements that impressed Snape as he watched her through trained peripheral vision. She stopped suddenly.

"Did you add the chinchilla fur before lowering the heat?" she asked earnestly.

He looked at the directions. His face relaxed as he read them carefully. He turned to her. "Look at line seven," he said. "That's when we add the chinchilla fur. And then we lower the heat for the second time. We're only on step five, you see?"

"Yes," Lily sighed. "Sorry."

Snape just raised an eyebrow and went back to work, his heart pounding from the false alarm. He saw her look at the directions on the board and had a few seconds to gaze at her before turning back to the cauldron. His mind was spinning.

Lily kept chopping, pleased to have finally gotten a reaction out of him. She knew that they were only on step five, but it provided an excuse for him to have to talk to her. Knowing that he wasn't totally angry with her, Lily managed to remain polite to him the rest of the hour.

For the next 45 minutes, the pair consistently chopped and stirred until they had finished the potion. It was a fairly well made potion, though a bit pale and thin (like Snape, Lily thought) and was certainly not the best it could be. As they cleaned up, Lily sighed, wishing that she didn't have to talk to Severus. She knew it would end in disaster.

The bell rang, and everyone left, leaving Lily, Severus, and Slughorn the only people in the room. Severus seemed to be avoiding her, always moving elsewhere if she got anywhere near him.

They finished cleaning up and were leaving when, as they got out the door, Lily tugged on Snape's cloak and pulled him aside.

"Severus," she said quietly.

He looked at her in mild surprise.

"Follow me." Lily tugged him in her direction. Reluctantly, he followed her through several empty corridors until they came to the ancient runes classroom. As always, the multihued banner of runes hung loosely across the walls. Snape glanced passively at the symbols, but his eyes seemed to linger on one particular rune. Lily followed the movement of his pupils until she recognized which rune had caught his attention. The message was engraved on a thin red slab, which Lily guessed could possibly be made of clay. She looked back at Snape. Did he know how to read runes? Lily didn't know.

Seeing as how Snape had never been inclined to initiate any form of communication, she spoke first.

"I don't know if you've heard, but James Potter has a new girlfriend," she said.

His eyes flashed from the rune to her face. "I heard," he replied.

"Yeah," Lily continued. "I talked to him. He's not going to rat us out or anything."

"I see," he said, his eyes back to the banner of runes. He reached up and touched the nearest one, letting his fingers move freely along the fragile etching.

Lily was silent for a few seconds, allowing herself to watch him as he delicately touched the rune. It was green, she noted. Probably from southwest Asia. She wouldn't have been surprised if it had been carved into jade, or some cheap substitute. In the top right-hand corner was a small carved image that looked like a leaf. Or it might have been a Persian carpet. The image had faded too much to tell.

"So," she continued, "We don't really need to worry about anything." She swallowed and glanced around the room again. "It's all going to be okay." It was difficult to tell whether her last few words were meant to be a question or a statement.

Snape's eyes moved back to her face. After a half a second of eye contact, his concentration returned to the emerald-colored rune. His lips didn't move at all. He showed no inclination of doing so. Lily studied his face, wondering if he was angrier than she had thought.

"Look," she said. "I didn't mean anything by what I said. I just sort of lashed out at you because you were there. I'm sorry. It was really stupid of me."

His eyebrows curved inward a bit, and he looked away from her. Lily gazed at his back, which was turned to her. It was just now becoming apparent how little she knew about Snape and his emotions. At the start, it had been easy to guess how he was feeling, but it seemed that the more she learned about him, the more she realized how incredibly complicated and intricate his thought processes were. It was like she had barely touched upon what was really within him. She remembered the first conversation they had shared in the ancient runes classroom. "Are you suggesting we wear a mask?" he had asked, and Lily had noted the strange wording of that question. Now it was beginning to make a little more sense. Lily was willing to bet that, to use his wording, he was used to "wearing masks." She wondered if anyone truly knew what he looked like without them.

As she stared at his back, she yearned more than anything to be the one to uncover the genuine Severus Snape, the person he was when his defenses were down.

He turned back to her and penetrated her emerald eyes, focusing on her for no more than three seconds. And after he broke eye contact, he walked a straight line out of the room and shut the door.

Lily gazed in shock at where he had last been standing, unable to accept what he had just done. Her heart felt very cold, and what had once been a strong, hearty beat had been reduced to a weak flutter.

Not knowing what else to do, she furiously swung her leg around and knocked over a pile of desks. Her leg stung with pain as her nerve endings became exposed to air. She then turned and punched the wall with all her might, creating a small indentation. Not stopping at that, she ran out of the classroom, leaving her books, and kept running until she was in the open air, near the forbidden forest.

Her limbs pulsed with ache from the lactic acid that rushed through her tissues. Her face was flushed and livid. Her inhalation was heavy as she groped for air to feed to her oxygen-starved muscles and brain.

She embraced the pain, allowing it to consume her. Sick of emotions, sick of people, and sick of her own thoughts, she fell to the ground and rolled around in the grass with her eyes closed in an attempt to forget everything that had ever happened at Hogwarts, everyone she had met. They meant nothing to her. They had caused her nothing but pain.

_No, _she thought, _That's not true. I was happier with Severus than I've ever been with anyone else._

"SHUT UP!" she screamed aloud. "JUST SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU ANYMORE!" Burying her face in her hands, her body shook, cold and overcome with frustration.

Pulling herself up, she managed to regain control over her body. _What's wrong with me? _she asked herself. _Why am I acting like this?_

Wobbly and sore, Lily Evans walked back to the towering gothic castle.

**Note: **You lucky ducks, I gave you a very long chapter. What do you think of it so far? I'm going to be wrapping up the story soon, but I'm still not sure if Snape and Lily end up together. What's your opinion? Happy ending or not? And, as always, I would absolutely love it if you'd tell me what I'm doing right/wrong. Thanks for reading.


	13. Like A Glass of Fine Wine

Chapter 14

And like a glass of fine wine…

We mature; we grow; we withstand the toughest beatings. The wind, the rain, and the scorching sun beat us into adulthood just as simmering potions ripen as they are stirred.

His coldness should not have shocked her, but the first time she felt that steely glare it was as if a centaur had head-butted her chest: the blunt feeling of horns against one's ribs.

Black as ever, his robes they swayed as he carried himself with the characteristic confidence that masked every irrational feeling - as a form of both protection and escape. She had to admire the smirky defiance that stemmed from his uncanny ability to ignore the unpleasant thoughts, all a part of his practicality and strength.

They stood together but thought apart as he stirred and she chopped in the typical mode that defined their existence when in one another's proximity. Lily felt certain that he was willing to forgive her for the mess she'd made of their relationship. But upon the heaviness of her regret there rested something that had penetrated her mind, which prevented her from restoring amicable relations.

"Canary feathers?"

Severus certainly had a way with words.

As she poured in the carefully separated hairs he twirled the spine in a counterclockwise motion. They smiled in unison when the potion turned the color of orange sherbet. If there was one thing Lily could be grateful for it was that their fight had not interfered with the magic they created whilst mixing potions.

Her grin was uncontainable when she smelt the perfect odor of tarnished metal as the wisps of purple fog tickled her nose. A giggle escaped, and Severus looked over in minor annoyance, though he seemed slightly surprised by her outburst. His back straightened as he acknowledged that in order for the timing to be correct they could not afford the seconds it took to analyze each others' body language. They worked together like they had been factory-designed to perform the task of potion making – just like two turn wheels transport water. His magic supported hers in such a way that there was a powerful reciprocal arrangement which gave them the ability to perform above and beyond excellence.

In a sense, potion making created a special type of intimacy.

Over the past year, Lily had learned to separate her feelings from her actions as she interacted with various people. She had discovered that it was possible to let things go in situations where holding on would only further harm her relationships.

Severus had taught her something valuable, something she had failed to recognize when they were beginning to get to know each other. It rested upon the roots of wisdom but floated in serendipity.

In habitually coexisting with Snape, Lily had opened her eyes to the more profound characteristics of his behavior, ones that had escaped her when she had been fumbling for his acceptance. He expressed himself through the most unnoticeable details which took a very observant person to appreciated. His eyes didn't tell much about his soul but they could be counted upon to reveal what he paid attention to. The way he wore his clothing revealed a quiet dignity, and the way he handled a ladle made apparent his enjoyment of a task well done.

And every day that they were colleagues instead of lovers, she began to respect him.


	14. The Mob

**Author's Note: I know I haven't updated in over three years, and I'd like to express my apologies for that. To be honest, I had written myself into a corner. It happens sometimes. Also, the quality of the chapters is obviously variable, depending on how old I was when I wrote them. I started this fic when I was twelve. Now I'm seventeen. The earlier parts are embarrassing, but I like to finish what I start and I am going to finish this. One more chapter after this one and it's over. The next chapter should be posted sometime within the next month. Thanks to all who have read and given encouragement. This has been my little bildungsroman; as Lily and Severus have grown up, so have I. So much thanks and appreciation goes out to the folks who patiently put up with my teenage and pre-teenage antics. You are wonderful. As always, this no copyright infringement is intended. Thank you for reading.**

Lily Potter glided through Diagon Alley with silent trepidation. She tried to control her pace, to go a little slower. She tried to wear a mask of confidence, if only for the few shopkeepers peering through their windows. But no matter the mask, Lily knew this was dangerous. She knew her days were numbered. Though only in her early twenties, Lily had seen every expectation for her adult life overturned. The papers reported mysterious deaths by the dozen, bridges and docks blew to smithereens, and corpses of muggleborn children showed up at the ministry, one by one.

No one wanted to admit that the people behind this madness were their classmates, their friends, their nephews and nieces, their aunts and uncles. Voldemort was sly and wielded his mystique proudly, offering recognition to those who wanted it the most. The scariest part was that anyone could be on his side, as only his most loyal followers carried the mark. The unspoken chant of every person alive was, "Trust no one. Trust nothing."

One year after Hogwarts graduation, Lily Evans found out that Severus had become a Death Eater. She did not want to think about what that meant, about the things Death Eaters did at initiation. Severus had probably raped muggles. He had probably murdered on multiple occasions. He might have even killed newborns like her son Harry. She could not imagine the Severus she knew doing those things, but Severus was no longer hers to remember. The time for that had passed.

Shortly after receiving news of Severus's allegiance to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Lily married James Potter. On the night before their wedding, Lily cried harder than she had ever done before. She loved James in the sort of desperation that wartime had brought to all young couples, but there remained a small part of her reserved only for Severus, for the Severus she had not been allowed to see in years. The diamond on a gold band only confirmed that this was the last night Severus had left. This was the last night, and he probably didn't even know it.

Lily paced quickly across the once-merry street. A shadow had begun to loom over Diagon Alley. She had tried to disapparate a moment before and had not been able to. She reached for her wand and found it was no longer on her person. Something was terribly wrong.

Sensing that someone was near, she ducked into what had once been Eeylop's Owl Emporium. Peeking through a boarded-up window, Lily saw at least fifty people apparate within seconds. Her heart sunk. The air soon became dark with a multitude of ominous inky swirls, and what Lily understood to be Voldemort's inner circle materialized on the cobblestone corner. She tried to apparate again, overcome with a sharp, pulsating fear that she had never before felt.

"Find everyone."

Upon hearing the snakelike voice, Lily bolted to the back of the store in desperation. There was no exit. She heard the mob outside erupt into frenzy and moaned with the high-pitched despair of a dead woman. There were footsteps at the door.

"I'll check this one," said a man with an unmistakably deep voice. "Check Fortescue's, next door."

With no means of escape, Lily burrowed into a closet at the back of the store. She dimly registered the smell of owl droppings as the footsteps quickly approached. Out of nowhere, one of the masked men appeared and smothered her mouth to stifle her scream. She felt the man's grasp on her tighten, and she began to shake, knowing she was helpless in every way possible. In a startling moment of clarity and sadness, she wished she had kissed Harry once more before she had left that morning.

Again, something felt distinctly not right. Still suffocating her with his left hand, the Death Eater pointed is right arm at the wooden wall. A small hole erupted from a bath of woodchips which spewed across the owl droppings, and before she could make any moves, she was swept in a cloud of black fog to a place of consciousness she only vaguely remembered.

She awoke in the basement of what seemed to be some sort of bar or dancing joint, judging by the romping on the ceiling beams above. Her head buzzed in a high-pitched frequency, and she could not move any part of her body. The room was chilly. She noticed a blanket on the other side of the room, but seeing as she was paralyzed and leaning like a board against some flat surface, the blanket would not do her any good if she could not get to it.

In the following several hours, Lily occupied herself by taking in every detail within her range of vision. On one side of the room was a torn leather sofa and on the other was a card table – one of the white plastic ones too flimsy to support much more than a plate of food and a book, so long as it wasn't very big.

Finally, after hours of waiting, Lily could not help herself any longer. Full of shame, she emptied her bladder onto the ugly tan carpet.

She wasn't sure how long she had slept, but her stomach was keen to inform her that it had been long enough to be painful. Her mouth was cottony due to lack of water. She wondered if it would be days before anyone came, or if she would simply die down here, starving to the sound of drinking songs and the thumping of overweight dancers. The thought of it amused her, and she drifted back to sleep.

This time she awoke with a pang of terror as what sounded like a latch on the basement door was turned. Having no control over her body, she felt her heart accelerate its contractions as a familiar man dressed in black appeared before her.


	15. Confusion Ensues

_Severus?_

He stood in front of her with a stiff posture: a tilted torso and awkward arms, one hand open and the other wrapped around a wand, his face marked with obvious apprehension. A forearm twitched as if halting intended motion.

_You look so… so…_

He had changed. The face was thinner, shoulders broader, nose larger. Something about his breathing scared her – it was heavier, like an exhausted animal's, primal despite his efforts at sophistication. Lily couldn't help but stare at the face. A face both uncannily familiar and unintentionally menacing, it was eerie only in its emotional blankness and the ugliness it had somehow developed in her absence.

In her absence.

_So abandoned._

A flick of his wand and the spell released; Lily crumpled to the ground, unprepared for sudden limbic freedom. She wheezed, breathing in the smell of her own urine that had seeped into the floor.

Snape glanced at the stained carpet and sneered halfheartedly, as if he felt the sneer was obligatory. She crawled up from the floor, and both avoided direct eye contact.

"Severus, I don't know what to say," Lily said as she stared at his shoulder.

He clenched his jaw and exhaled, making eye contact only for a moment to narrow his eyelids accusatorily.

"You could _thank me_," he hissed, leaning into her proximity. "Considering I just _saved your skin_ at the near expense of my own – Or were you too suspicious of a filthy Death Eater to think of it so? Surely you thought I was capturing you, to _ravage_ you, as you imagine I–"

"Fuck you." The words slipped out, oblivious to her inconsent.

"Ungrateful," he spat. "You ungrateful wench. As ungrateful as your doting husband, ungrateful as your newborn son – your spawn, who, in unconscious oblivion, exceeds your survival ability – going to Diagon Alley. _Diagon Alley!_ You fool. You blithering dunderhead. Without me, fuck you and your chances of living. Fuck you and your entire family. Fuck the wizarding world. You know nothing about your circumstances, as openly displayed in your pathetic act of frivolity."

"Severus," Lily said. "Severus. I need water."

Snape looked more conflicted than Lily had ever seen him. He put on an ugly sneer, flicked his wand, and left Lily again paralyzed as he climbed to the door and was gone.

He emerged from the romping ceiling several minutes later, carrying a muggle-style bottle of water with seal intact. "For your suspicion," he said, again in an accusatory tone. "In case you think I would poison an open glass."

She cracked the seal and glugged. "Snape," she said, wiping her mouth. "I have no doubt you could have poisoned a sealed bottle of water without leaving a trace."

"Of course. But would I? You might at least entertain the idea that I am not dangerous."

He said it with an air of irony, as though he were making a joke with himself.

"You shouldn't expect trust."

"I wouldn't presume to. Not from you, anyway. But perhaps from people you know."

"_You_?"

"Me."

"You're Dumbledore's spy? _You?_"

"I didn't say that."

"An _informant_? What are you doing, Severus? What are you – you can't just turn on him and – I mean, it's an admirable, but – _you're going to die_, Severus. How long could you possibly? Even being a Death Eater is dangerous, but this?"

"I am aware of the consequences."

A chill covered the whole of Lily's body.

Aware of the dented plastic in her hand, Lily couldn't help but ask.

"_Why are you doing this?_"

**Author's Note:** Okay, so I lied about this being the last chapter. There will be more. They will come slowly. Please let me know what you think. Reviews are nice and give me a reason to write more.

A special shoutout to **inchausti**, whose review inspired me to write this chapter. (It also reminded me that I had an unfinished fanfiction at all. I had somehow forgotten.)

Thanks for reading!


End file.
